At the NBC Today Show studios at 30 Rockefeller Center, Host Matt Lauer announces: “The rise of Donald Trump and Bernie Sanders in the 2016 election defies expectation, and despite their seemingly opposite stances, they have a common thread of voter anger, particularly among white men. Well, we now have an explanation. In news breaking overnight, an NBC/Quinnipiac poll has determined that only 7% of white American men are actually not angry. To explain this phenomenon, let’s go to Savannah Guthrie on location in Denver, Colorado. Good morning, Savannah. What do you have for us?”

“Matt, good morning. Since news broke about the shocking poll, we’ve been searching high and low for white men who aren’t angry.”

“It looks like you found a few.”

“Yes, Matt, I’m here with three white males who told me they aren’t pissed off at all.”

Turning to the first, Ms. Guthrie asks: “Good morning. You are Jay Newman, a 35-year old software engineer from right here in Denver, correct?”

Newman: “That’s right, Savannah. Good morning.”

Guthrie: “Can you confirm that you are not an angry white male?”

Newman: “You got it. I’ve got a great job, a new Hyundai, and I’m happy.”

Guthrie: “What do you say to those who say immigration is ruining America, particularly Latinos?”

Newmark: “Two words, Savannah—Sophia Vergara.”

Guthrie: “Say no more. I’m a big Modern Family fan myself. Let’s go next to Mr. Sean Murphy. Can you tell the folks something about yourself, Sean?”

Murphy, who has scraggly hair and a soul patch under his lower lip: “I’m, like, a 25 year old in my 7th year of a comparative religion major at Colorado Boulder—Go Buffs.”

Guthrie: “7 years seems like a long time to be in college, Sean.”

Murphy: “The snow has been, like, super sweet for boarding the past few years, Bro, so I don’t, like, take many classes in the winter. And the marijuana legalization has been super cool, but it slowed me down.”

Guthrie: “So it’s true you aren’t angry?”

Murphy: “No, Bro. Since college became free, I’ve been, like, super stoked.”

Guthrie: “But college isn’t free. Bernie Sanders hasn’t been elected.”

Murphy: “No (beep)! Maybe I’m a little angry after all. Wanna brownie?”

Guthrie: “Um, no thanks. Let’s go to our last happy male, Mr. Bobby Gaston from Fort Collins, a 50-year old construction worker. Mr. Gaston, why in the world are you not mad?”

Gaston: “This is America, Savannah, the land of opportunity. We have-what?– 30 NFL teams, and all the non-expansion teams have been to the Super Bowl at least once, except the Lions and Browns. It’s amazing. Where else in the world could that happen?”

Guthrie: “Thanks. Back to you in New York, Matt.”

Lauer: “Thanks, Savannah. After this short break, a special report: What does your cat think about in the litter box?”

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