Satirical Press International (SPI)

“Good morning, this is Matt Lauer of The Today Show, live from Studio 3B in New York. Today, we’re going deep into the heartland to learn about American attitudes toward Russian President Vladimir Putin, which has become a hot topic since Donald Trump and Mike Pence have expressed admiration for his leadership. For this, we go to Grand Rapids, Michigan, where Savannah Guthrie is with South Grand Rapids High School’s Class of 1976 at their 40th reunion.”

The tall and lean Savannah Guthrie stands before a group of five women wearing nametags in front of South Grand Rapids High School. A large group is standing behind them holding several signs and shaking pompoms.

Guthrie: Good morning, Matt! I’m with an excited group of South Grand Rapids alumni today here in Michigan. How are you ladies?

First woman (Sally): Just fantastic, Savannah. Go Homesteaders!!!!

Guthrie: Homesteaders?

Sally: You betcha! That’s our mascot. We’re the South GR Homesteaders, and we’re not just settlers! (huge cheers from the crowd with Homesteader signs waving)

Guthrie: I understand it’s your 40th reunion, and you’re playing your big rival tonight, the East Grand Rapids Pioneers.

Crowd: BEAT THE PIONEERS, BEAT THEM SENSELESS!

Guthrie: It’s great to hear that kind of spirit here in America. On another topic, what do you ladies think of Vladimir Putin?

Second woman (Jane): He’s a very strong man and leader.

Guthrie: So you approve of him?

Jane: Don’t tell my husband, but when I see pictures of President Putin riding a horse shirtless, it takes me places I’ve never been before.

Guthrie (to the group): Do you all agree?

Group: Woo hoo, we do! Go Homesteaders, Beat the Pioneers!!!!!

Guthrie: Do you know that Putin has become a billionaire and he’s an alleged kleptomaniac?

Jane: We don’t discriminate against people suffering from kleptomaniacism; it’s un-American.

Guthrie: I see. What else do you all like about President Putin?

Third woman (Julie): He plays a tough sport like hockey. Can I say hi to my husband, Dirk, in Kalamazoo? He loves The Today Show.

Guthrie: Go right ahead.

Julie: Hi Honey! I’ll try to get Savannah’s autograph. She’s really tall!

Guthrie: So you like that he plays hockey?

Julie: It’s a man’s sport. You’ll never find President Putin playing golf in Martha’s Vineyard, like our so-called president.

Guthrie: You’re right about that. Does it bother any of you that President Putin has been accused of jailing journalists who criticize him?

Julie: Heck no! He stands up to the liberal media, like a real man. Um, no offense, Savannah.

Guthrie: None taken; I get it all the time. There you have it from South Grand Rapids, Matt.

Crowd: GO HOMESTEADERS!!!!!

Matt: Thanks, Savannah. After this short break, we have a special segment on how Hollywood celebrities deal with wrinkles.

 

If you like this satire, you’ll love Buzz Kill, an irreverent, hysterical novel about political correctness in corporate America. Check out our reviews here.

 

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