Satirical News Network:
On the set of CNN’s Newsroom, the beautiful and bespectacled Carol Costello opens her show:
Costello: Good morning. In a welcome break from U.S. politics, we have a special report from the Olympics in Rio de Janeiro. Let’s go live to Copacabana Beach with our Latin America correspondent, Sofia Maria Pizarro, along with our sports reporter, Digger Greene.
Pizarro appears on the screen, a stunningly beautiful Latina with olive skin, large, almond-shaped black eyes, shoulder-length dark hair and a very trim figure. Next to her stands an American male with perfected coifed hair and large, white, obviously enhanced teeth. He is wearing a Hawaiian flowered shirt. They are on the beach with people in bathing suits strolling about and beach volleyball going on behind them.
Pizarro: Good morning, Carol, or as they say in Rio, bom dia! Digger and I are here on beautiful Copacabana Beach with an Olympic update. What’s up with The Games, Digger?
Greene: For days now, we’ve been exploring how local Brazilians are making money on the Olympics. Today, we will look at an interesting new…
Greene gets distracted by a passing bikini-clad Brazilian woman, his eyes obviously taking in the full view.
Pizarro: Digger? Digger? (what a pig, she thinks)
Greene: Is this a great place or what? Where was I? Oh yeah, today we’ll look at an unusual business startup geared toward the Olympics. In the wake of the Russian doping scandal, Brazilian entrepreneurs have started selling clean urine for drug testing.
Pizarro: Clean urine?
Greene: Not actually clean, heh, heh, but drug free, and business is booming.
Pizarro: Who’s interested in clean urine?
Greene: Almost the whole Russian team, particularly the women swimmers.
Pizarro: How does it work?
Greene: Brazilian businesses gather urine samples from locals, make sure it’s all drug free, and sell it to athletes who use it for their drug tests. The urine goes for thousands of dollars per ounce, like liquid gold! They have very high gross margins. (chuckle, chuckle), get it?
Pizarro: Hysterical, Digger. Can’t Olympic officials tell the urine doesn’t belong to the athletes?
Greene: At first, yes, because the urine had very Brazilian attributes, like residue from thong bathing suits. But innovation kicked in, and the Brazilians can make urine that will pass for Russian.
Pizarro: How do they do that?
Greene: The donors drink vodka shots and eat caviar for a week before donating.
Pizarro: Very clever—
Greene: And they charge a substantial premium for customized urine.
Pizarro: Well, there you have it from Copacabana, the hottest spot south of Havana. Back to you, Carol.
Costello: Love the Barry Manilow reference, Sofia, thanks. After a short break from American Reverse Mortgage, we will discuss Vladimir Putin’s new shirtless Facebook profile picture.
After they cut to a commercial, Costello turns to her producer and says, “Can you help me? I still don’t understand how reverse mortgages work.”
If you like this satire, you’ll love Buzz Kill, an irreverent, hysterical novel about political correctness in corporate America. Check out our reviews here.
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