U.S. Snowboarder, Like, Super Stoked About Gold Medal

Satirical Press International: Anchor Lester Holt opens NBC Nightly News from Pyeongchang, South Korea.

Holt: “Good evening. Reporting live from the Pyeongchang Olympics, I’m Lester Holt. In a moment, I’ll have an exclusive interview with American Snowboarder, Chloe Kim, the 17-year old Californian who just won the gold medal in the halfpipe snowboarding competition.

[Camera angle captures Chloe Kim standing next to Lester Holt in her cream-colored hoodie jacket, hat, Oakley goggles and golf medal around her neck]

Holt: “Chloe, congratulations on winning the Olympic Gold. How does it feel?”

Kim: “I’m just, like, super, super stoked.”

Holt: “What was it like standing up there on the top of the halfpipe for your first run?”

Kim [giggling a little while looking up from her phone]: “I always do, like, my best when the crowd is cheering. It’s a super adrenaline rush. Right before I went, I posted a couple Tweets and was, like, ‘I need to put down a good run.'”

Holt: “You’re just 17 years old. How do you plan to celebrate?”

Kim: “First I’m going on a major Snapchat binge—can we do a selfie?”

Holt: “Of course.” [Holt and Kim pause while she takes a selfie and posts it on Snapchat]

Kim: “Then I’m going to get some food–my stomach is, like, starving!”

Holt: “Maybe a great steak or Korean barbecue?”

Kim: “Ewwwww, no. Skittles and Cotton Candy!”

Holt: “Cotton Candy? Well, it’s pretty bitchin’ as they say.”

Kim: “I don’t know anyone who says that, bro.”

Holt: “Nevermind. Let me ask you this–I notice all snowboarders wear jackets with hoods. Isn’t that an aerodynamic drag during your runs?”

Kim: “Lester, we’re not sponsored by, like, Brooks Brothers or Vineyard Vines, dude! Don’t you like the super hipster look?”

Holt: “It reminds me of skateboarders in LA.”

Kim: “True that.”

Holt: “Have you thought about getting other Olympians to wear hoodies?”

Kim: “The speedskaters have hoods, but it’s not cool.”

Holt: “Why not, um, cool?”

Kim: “Because they wear the hoods. That’s not the point of ’em.”

Holt: “I’m starting to see—”

Kim: “Yeah, I’m trying to get, like, Lindsay Vonn and the downhill skiers to wear hoods, but she just freaked out—said they would be a super drag.”