Source: Carlos Barria/REUTERS

Satirical Press International (Da Nang, Vietnam): The regularly scheduled program on Satirical News Network (SNN) is interrupted by dramatic music and the “Breaking News” alert. The shot shows Kate Kelley, the young SNN reporter and co-host of The American Selfie, standing in a room with two podiums behind her, along with a row of American and Russian flags.

Kelley: “Good evening from Vietnam. It’s late in the evening local time, and we interrupt our regularly scheduled morning news in the U.S. with Breaking News. This is Kate Kelley of Satirical News Network reporting live from Da Nang, Vietnam. In moments, U.S. President Trump and Russian President Putin will hold a surprise news conference. The topics have not been announced. (Kelley looks over shoulder). The two presidents are entering the stage now.”

(Camera shows President Trump taking position behind one podium and President Putin behind the other.)

Trump: “Good evening ladies and gentlemen of the press. Before we get to questions, I would like to read a brief statement, a very good statement, very powerful, the most powerful statement ever made. (Trump pulls out paper). So many Democrats and the Fake News media are talking about some Russian collusion. There is no collusion, not a bit. They are very untruthful, very, very, very untruthful, believe me. To show the world how competitive we are with Russia, I have agreed with President Putin to settle our differences, which are not great, not really great, by a triathlon between us.”

(hands shoot up in the press corps with a chorus of “Mr. President, Mr. President!”)

Trump (pointing to NBC’s Lester Holt in the press): “Yes, Lester.”

Holt: “Mr. President, will it be a traditional triathlon with swimming, biking and running?”

Trump: “No, it will not, will not, trust me. President Putin will pick the first sport, and I will pick the second. The third will be something we mutually agree upon.”

Holt: “President Putin, what sport do you pick?”

Putin: “I pick a hockey shoot out with a Russian goalie, best goalie in za world.”

Trump: “It sounds rigged, but it’ll be a beauty, that I can tell you.”

Holt: “President Trump, what is your sport?”

Trump: “Golf at Mar O Lago.”

Holt: “What do you think of that choice, President Putin.”

Putin: “It his choice, but golf is no sport but game of the capitalist.”

HoltBut President Putin, you are considered one of the wealthiest people in the world, with almost $100 billion in assets.”

Putin: “Not from greedy Wall Street.”

Trump: “Somebody is being a poor sport…”

Holt: “For the third and final sport, the likely deciding sport, what did you two decide?”

Trump (to Putin): “Would you like to take that one, Mr. President?”

Putin: “Da. We decide on English vocabulary test.”

Holt: “Is that fair, Mr. President?”

Trump: “I went to Wharton and have the best memory in the world (pointing to head). When Vladdy suggested it, I jumped, that I can tell you. It will be very, very interesting, and just think, Crooked Hillary said I couldn’t negotiate.”

Holt: “Wait a minute. President Putin, you were the one who suggested an English vocabulary contest?”

Putin (with a big smile): “Da.”

Holt: “Whoa.”

Trump: “It’s about time something was rigged for me, about time. The media and Democrats treat me very, very unfairly, that I can tell you. When it comes to English vocabulary, I have great words, really great words, maybe the greatest, very greatest. Trust me.”

Kelley: “There you have it. Our relations with a key adversary will apparently come down to President Trump’s vocabulary.”

 

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