Satirical Press International (SPI)— Presumptive Republican Presidential Nominee Donald J. Trump stunned the financial world in an interview on CNBC Thursday. When asked by Jim Cramer of Mad Money if the U.S. should repay its debts in full or create a workout payment system, Trump said, “I would borrow, knowing that if the economy crashed, you could make a deal. And if the economy was good, it was good. So, therefore, you can’t lose.”
Pressed on this answer, the real estate billionaire said, “I’ve used this approach with four casino bankruptcies—it’s a tried and true method, believe me, and it’s all about negotiation, folks, and I’m a great negotiator—you won’t see me making bad deals, like the nuclear deal with Iran, believe me, I make great deals, really great deals, and I’ll make our creditors take 80 cents on the dollar—we’ve been weak too long, thanks to bad deals.”
Cramer responded: “U.S. Treasuries are renewed constantly, and the interest rate is a major determinant of stock and bond values worldwide, as well as mortgage rates, so if creditors thought they’re money wasn’t safe in the U.S., they’d demand higher rates. Each one percent increase in treasury rates would cost the U.S. almost $200 billion annually.”
“Only if we paid it,” Trump countered.
“But wouldn’t a default significantly reduce our ability to borrow trillions?” Cramer asked.
“I’m not going to reveal my negotiating strategy to the world, but we’d find the money elsewhere, believe me, and at lower rates.”
“Where? Like Mars?”
“That’s not a very nice comment, Jim, but if you must know, we’d get Mexico to pay for it.”
“How?” Cramer asked.
“Do you know that Corona is the top selling imported beer in the U.S.?”
“It’s because of all the illegals, millions of them, rapists and murders like Corona, believe me, those are the people taking all the good jobs in America, folks, not that I don’t like Hispanics—I posed with a giant taco in my office last week on Cinco De Mayo.”
“So what does Corona have to do with our debt?” Cramer asked.
“We’d put a 50% tariff on Corona and Dos Equis unless Mexico paid our interest.”
“Do you think Congress would back you on that?”
“As long as we don’t tax their phoofy craft beers, like Sierra Nevada, or California cabernets, they’ll do what I say, believe me. They’re a bunch of losers, folks like Little Marco and Lyin’ Ted.”
“You’ve already beaten Rubio and Cruz; you don’t need to mock them anymore.”
“Oh yeah, sorry. It’s a habit. By the way, what do you think of my hands?”
If you like this kind of satire, you’ll love Buzz Kill, William Goodspeed’s zany novel about political correctness in corporate America. Check out the reviews at here.
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