Satirical Press International (SPI), Columbus, Ohio

Wolf Blitzer: Good afternoon, it’s five o’clock on the East Coast, two o’clock Pacific. I’m reporting live from Columbus, Ohio, where it’s also five o’clock, with Breaking News. We’ve just been told that in the wake of Donald Trump’s criticism of Khizr and Ghazala Khan, Gold Star parents of fallen Captain Kahn, the Republican Presidential Nominee would embark on a tour of America to apologize for his statements. Who better to explain this than the candidate himself. Good afternoon, Mr. Trump.

Trump: Afternoon, Wolf.

Blitzer: As you know, you have received considerable criticism about your comments related to the Kahn family, the parents of the fallen U.S. Muslim marine in Iraq.

Trump: They said some bad things about me at the Democratic convention, Wolf, very bad things. I don’t know the Khans, never met them—just like Putin—but still they stand on national TV, national TV, Wolf, and criticize me. If you hit me, Wolf, believe me, I’ll hit back harder, trust me.

Blitzer: So is this the start of your apology tour?

Trump: I said that Captain Kahn was a hero—that’s enough. His parents had no right to say all those things, no right.

Blitzer: What specifically did they say that bothered you? Was it that you never sacrificed anything? Was it about Muslin Americans? Or maybe the Constitution?

Trump: It’s all false, Wolf, totally false. I’ve read the Constitution many times, many, many times, believe me. I probably know more about the Constitution than anyone in the world, trust me.

Blitzer: What’s your favorite part?

Trump: There are so many—the Second Amendment is big, really big, very big—probably my favorite of the two amendments, but I’d have to say the most important part is about fighting the British and high taxes. We cannot tolerate foreigners taking jobs and our money, believe me, which is why we’re going to build a wall and negotiate tough deals.

Blitzer: You may be thinking of the Declaration of Independence.

Trump: I know what I’m saying, Wolf. I have a big brain, and by the way, the election is rigged. You watch. Everything is rigged, just like Debbie Wasserman Schultz and the DNC.

Blitzer: What do you say to Republican Speaker Paul Ryan, venerable Republican Senator and war hero John McCain and other prominent Republicans who say your criticism of the Khans was over-the-line?

Trump: Paul’s a nice guy, but he’s weak, so’s McCain, which is why he got captured, by the way.

Blitzer: Many people say you are incapable of saying a kind word. What do you say to them?

Trump: That’s an invention of the biased media, like you. I say kind words all the time.

Blitzer: Can you give an example?

Trump: I think Vladimir Putin is a strong leader and shows what we need in the U.S.

Blitzer: We need Putin?

Trump: Strong leaders, not the weak like we’ve got now.

Blitzer: How about apologies? Do you ever apologize?

Trump: I’m never wrong, but when it’s warranted, I apologize, believe me.

Blitzer: Let’s hear one.

Trump: I’m sorry Paul Ryan is such a loser. John McCain too. And Kelly Ayotte. I’m sorry she’s not a strong person—America needs strong people, not weak ones.

Blitzer: Thank you, Mr. Trump. Now we go back to the Situation Room with Pamela Brown, who will report on the Clinton campaign’s surprise announcement that she no longer needs to campaign.

 

If you like this satire, you’ll love Buzz Kill, an irreverent, hysterical novel about political correctness in corporate America. Check out our reviews here

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