It’s Monday morning at the studios of Satirical News Network (SNN) in New York with SNN’s hit news show for Millennials, The American Selfie, with hosts Kate Kelley and Faye Watson. Camera shows Kelley and Watson behind a curved table with the SNN logo behind them, along with dozens of pictures of Americans taking selfies.

Watson: “Good morning to The American Selfie, the show that explains America to the world, pimples and all.”

Kelley: “That’s super gross right after breakfast, don’t you think, Faye?”

Watson: “Just sayin’.”

Kelley: “This morning, we will examine the intensifying war of words between President Donald Trump and Kim Jung Un of North Korea, where President Trump is said to have gone nuclear in his Tweets.”

Watson: “For a full story, let’s go to SNN political correspondent Mia Cooney, who is live with President Trump at Mar-O-Lago in Florida.”

Cooney (seated in an ornate room across from President Trump): “President Trump, thanks for talking to us today and helping America take a selfie for the world.”

Trump: “My pleasure Mia, believe me.”

Cooney: “In a speech to the United Nations this week, you referred to Kim Jung Un of North Korea as ‘Rocket Man’, and last night, you called him ‘Little Rocket Man.’ What do you say about that?”

Trump: “The liberal media is full of Fake News. All of you, including SNN. You know it, and I know it, trust me on that.”

Cooney: “But it’s on video that has been shown around the world.”

Trump: “The Fake News media shows the video but doesn’t explain how Rocket Man starves his people, provokes his neighbors and kills his generals. We have the ability and will to destroy North Korea, all of it, trust me.”

Cooney: “Do you think it’s appropriate for the President to be name calling world leaders, both good and bad?”

Trump: “You sound like Frau Frumpy from Germany, who looks like her clothes were designed by Mary Poppins—you know who I’m talking about?”

Cooney: “Angela Merkel?”

Trump: “Yep. She criticizes us, but meanwhile Germany exports billions of dollars of cars, that I can tell you.”

Cooney: “How about other world leaders?”

Trump: “Well, Monsieur Cougar Bait is a good guy—and his wife, Brigitte, is in great shape considering her age—but he also thinks we should be more diplomatic.”

Cooney: “You’re referring to President Macron of France and his wife, who’s 25 years older than he is?”

Trump: “That’s right.”

Cooney: “Any others?”

Trump: “Miss Money Penny from 10 Downing Street is also a light weight on this issue.”

Cooney: “British Prime Minister May?”

Trump: “Yeah, more like M’s old maid secretary, Money Penny, than a leader.”

Cooney: “How about our close neighbors, like Mexico?”

Trump: “Taco Ricky is bothered by the wall—that Mexico will pay for by the way. He won’t comment on North Korea.”

Cooney: “How about fellow Republicans? What do they think about this?”

Trump: “Little Marco (Florida Senator Marco Rubio) is with me all the way, and so is Lyin’ Ted (Texas Senator Ted Cruz).”

Cooney: “This reminds me a bit of seventh grade. Have you talked to Russian President Vladimir Putin about this, and what do you call him?”

Trump: “Oh yeah, we talked about it. I call him the Pootster. He likes it.”

Cooney: “Back to Kim Jung Un.”

Trump: “Rocket Man?”

Cooney: “Yes. Do you know he published a Tweet that called you a ‘dotard’?”

Trump: “This is another example of the liberal, Fake News media. If I called someone a dotard, you’d all be up in arms, but because he’s a minority from a poor country, he can do it all day.”

Cooney: “I think you may be confusing dotard with—–“

Trump: “Don’t put words in my mouth like the rest of the liberal media.”

Cooney (turning to the camera): “Well, Kate and Faye, there you have it from Mar-O-Lago, Florida

 

Background for Foreign Readers

The term ‘wedgie’ in the title refers to a schoolyard trick young boys play on each other. It involves grabbing another’s underwear from behind and pulling it up hard until it rises snugly between the victim’s buns. It’s not considered a mature gesture, and I personally hated it.

 

SUBSCRIBE TO THE SATIRICAL PRESS INTERNATIONAL BLOG