Satirical News Network: ⇐***Note***
It’s 9 a.m. on the East Coast, and the CNN show, Newsday, opens with a new set. CNN’s beautiful anchor, Carol Costello, wearing her trademark glasses, sits at a semi-circular table alongside a young, blonde woman.
Costello: Welcome to Newsday! We are proud to introduce Emma Jennings to our Newsday team. Emma is from Brentwood, California, and is a recent graduate from UC Santa Barbara, where she majored in communications. This is part of a new effort by our show to bring views from important segments of our population, in this case millennials. Welcome, Emma.
Jennings: Thanks, Carol. I’m so excited to be here! You are, like, one of my idols, and I just love these cool studios.
Costello: I am honored, Emma. In our first story today, we’ll explore what’s been called The Hug, an awkward moment between Vice President Joe Biden and Secretary Hillary Clinton. On the tarmac at an airport in Pennsylvania, Biden met Clinton and gave her a seemingly endless hug.
Jennings: It was 16 seconds, Carol!
Costello: As a young female millennial, what do you think about The Hug?
Jennings: It’s super creepy. I was, like, freaking out when I saw it.
Costello: So you wouldn’t welcome such a hug from the Vice President?
Jennings: OMG, no! I’m afraid he’d, like, stalk me on Facebook.
Costello: Well, Emma, let’s see how the Right and the Left reacted to The Hug. We are now talking live with former Pennsylvania Senator and Republican presidential candidate Rick Santorum. What did you think of The Hug, Senator?
Santorum: That kind of thing shouldn’t be on television, Carol. Unless such a hug is part of the miracle of human reproduction, it shouldn’t happen.
Jennings (with a look of horror on her face): I’ve got a picture in my head, and it’s, like, super gross.
Costello (laughing): Thanks, Senator. For another view, we have none other than Secretary Clinton herself, along with a campaign aide. So, Mrs. Clinton, the Internet is abuzz about The Hug. Did you enjoy it?
Clinton: Vice President Biden has been one of the best Vice Presidents we’ve ever had. He’s a man of the people with an inspiring story. And great teeth.
Costello: But how did you enjoy The Hug?
Clinton: It lasted a little too long for being on camera, but it was kind of nice. I haven’t had a nice loving hug from a man since… (turning to her aide). How old is Chelsea?
Costello (in tears laughing): Thank you, Madame Secretary. Well, Emma, what do you think?
Jennings: I’m too grossed out to eat lunch today. I just need to sit in my cubicle and chill.
If you like this satire, you’ll love Buzz Kill, an irreverent, hysterical novel about political correctness in corporate America. Check out the reviews here.
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