It’s noon on CNN, and the beautiful, bespectacled Ashleigh Banfield opens her show, Legal View, with a breaking story:

“In a story with far-reaching implications for the legal and business worlds, we have just learned that Starbucks has been sued by a Chicago woman for putting too much ice in her 24-ounce iced coffee. In addition, the Chicago law firm representing her is turning the dispute into a class action lawsuit. For the details, let’s go to Chicago with our own Jake Tapper.”

Tapper: “Ashley, I’m standing outside a Starbucks in downtown Chicago with Mary Little, the woman who filed what we’re calling the ‘Chill’ lawsuit against Starbucks for excess ice. Ms. Little, what’s this about?”

Little: “I’ve gone to Starbucks for years for iced coffee. I usually order the 24 ounce version, and after a while, I noticed that there was a lot of ice in the drink.”

Tapper: “It’s called iced coffee. Do you think it’s fair to blame Starbucks for ice?”

Little: “There’s too much ice! They say it’s 24 ounces, but in reality, it’s only about 16 ounces of coffee—the rest is ice. It’s false advertising.”

Tapper: “So you’re suing Starbucks for damages?”

Little: “Yeah, this is America. I have rights.”

Tapper: “Did you consider asking for less ice?”

Little: “Why do customers have to ask for what is advertised?”

Tapper: “And you expect this to be a class action lawsuit?”

Little: “Yes. There are millions of Americans out there who have been over chilled by Starbucks.”

Tapper: “Thanks, Mary. Back to you in New York, Ashleigh.”

Banfield: “This just in—the ice controversy is spilling over to McDonald’s. For this we go to Dana Bash in Richmond.”

Bash: “Ashley, I’m at a McDonald’s here in Richmond where a customer, Scottie Belcher, is filing an ice lawsuit against the burger giant today. Mr. Belcher, what’s this suit about?”

Belcher (holding a large McDonald’s cup): “For years, my jumbo Cokes have been gipped by too much ice, so I’m doin’ somethin’ about it today.”

Bash: “You’re suing because your sodas have too much ice?”

Belcher: “Not my sodas, Dana, my Cokes. Yes, they got too much ice.”

Bash: “But aren’t your Cokes self-served?”

Belcher: “No, I pour them myself.”

Bash: “But don’t you determine how much ice goes into your Cokes?”

Belcher: “It’s not my fault—they should put warnings on the ice thingy.”

Bash: “Warnings?”

Belcher: “Yea, warnings about the truth or consequences of too much ice.”

Bash: “I see.”

Belcher: “Like the warnings in those Cialis ads on TV, you know with the old guys with hot—–”

Bash: “We’re out of time. Back to you, Ashley.”

Banfield: “After this short break, we will examine a new lawsuit by a high school junior against his parents for his low SAT scores.”

 

 

If you like this kind of satire, you’ll love Buzz Kill, William Goodspeed’s zany novel about political correctness in corporate America. Check out the reviews here.

SUBSCRIBE TO THE SATIRICAL PRESS INTERNATIONAL BLOG