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China Bans Pooh Bear (Not Fake News)

China Bans Pooh Bear (Not Fake News)

Hunt: “Good afternoon, I’m Kasie Hunt, with breaking news from China. In the wake of President Xi becoming exempt from term limits, the first such leader since Chairman Mao, Chinese censors have banned Winnie the Pooh from China. To discuss this development, I’m here in our D.C. studios with an expert panel: Winnie the Pooh, Piglet, Tigger and Eeyore (camera shows the characters seated at a semi circular table to Kasie’s left).

Hunt: “Good afternoon. Winne, can you comment on being banned in China?”

Pooh: “Please call me Pooh Bear (giggles).”

Hunt: “My pleasure, Pooh Bear. What do you think of this?”

Pooh (pointing to his head): “Think, think, think.”

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Olympic Committee Finally Hammers Curlers for Doping

Olympic Committee Finally Hammers Curlers for Doping

Satirical Press International: For anyone following international curling the past several years, this week’s finding of illegal doping by an Olympic curler was long overdue. “You had to have your head under ice not to notice obvious signs of doping in competitive curling,” bemoaned a fan at this year’s Olympic Games in South Korea. “I mean, so many of those curlers are ripped–the way they sweep–no one could do that without medicinal help.”

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Democrats, Republicans Agree to Weekly Shutdown Parties

Democrats, Republicans Agree to Weekly Shutdown Parties

Schumer: “We decided to do it every Friday night…(laughing) it was a lot more fun than flying home on weekends. I called my wife and said we had to work extra late. I think she bought it, but let’s hope she didn’t hear Orin Hatch singing during the beer pong game.”

Cabrera: “Senators played beer pong?”

McConnell: “It was a ripping good time. Senator Angus King from Maine had the idea. He went to Dartmouth where it’s an intramural sport. He had balls and cups and everything in his desk.”

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