Satirical Press International (SPI)—Last night, the United States Senate defeated several different gun safety initiatives brought in the wake of the Orlando bar shootings. After the fight, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell held a press conference:

McConnell: “Thank you all for coming. Instead of offering any prepared remarks, I will answer questions.”

Erin Burnett (CNN): “Senator McConnell, what was it like in there?”

McConnell: “It was a hard fought battle, Erin. As you know, we had to overcome considerable special interests tonight.”

Burnett: “You mean the 92% of Americans who favor expanded background checks for gun purchases?”

McConnell: “There’s a margin of error in every poll.”

Burnett: “But still.”

McConnell: “In the end, it was 100 of us against three hundred million men, women and children. It was like that glorious movie, 300, where a few hundred Spartan soldiers held off the entire Persian army, who are Iranians, by the way. We’re not as buff as those guys, and some of us guys are gals, but we showed some moxie in there.”

Joe Scarborough (MSNBC): “Senator McConnell, recent polls show that 85% of Americans and 90% of my fellow Republicans agree that ‘no fly list’ terrorist suspects should not be allowed to purchase firearms, yet for some unfathomable reason, the Senate would not pass a law forbidding it.”

McConnell: “The majority isn’t always right, Joe—they elected President Obama, for example.”

Scarborough: “But you can’t get 85% of Americans to agree the moon landing was real.”

McConnell: “Because they don’t trust the liberal, pro-science media, like your network and CNN.”

Scarborough: “Do you believe the moon landing was real?”

McConnell: “That’s not for me to say.”

Scarborough: “Is overwhelming public opinion relevant to the Senate?”

McConnell: “Not when it comes to the Second Amendment. Our Founding Fathers could not have envisioned a prohibition based on a no fly list.”

Lester Holt (NBC): “So you’re saying suspected terrorists have Second Amendment rights?”

McConnell: “Guns don’t kill, people do. The problem is our laws are too soft on terrorists.”

Holt: “What do you mean?”

McConnell: “We need more deterrence against terrorist attacks and mass shootings by bringing back the death penalty.”

Holt: “But almost all these perpetrators martyr themselves or commit suicide.”

McConnell: “That’s not all bad—it saves considerable taxpayer money wasted on endless appeals by liberal defense lawyers. These are bad people.”

Holt: “The defense lawyers?”

McConnell: “Just one small step above terrorists. We need to throw them all in jail without a trial.”

Holt: “Are you aware of other Amendments to the Constitution?”

McConnell: “Well, there must be at least one other since we have the Second Amendment, but none come to mind.”

If you like this kind of satire, you’ll love Buzz Kill, William Goodspeed’s zany novel about political correctness in corporate America. Check out the reviews here.

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