After hearing a deluge of Republican fighting and personal insults over the weekend, Harvest Elementary School Principal Margaret Schumacher summoned Donald Trump and Marco Rubio to her office. Mrs. Schumacher, a notoriously stern disciplinarian and former librarian, welcomed the two Republican candidates into her office. Looking over her reading glasses, which had a string to hang around her neck, she peered sternly at the presidential frontrunners. Rubio’s upper lip was sweating profusely.

“You know why you’re here, boys?” Mrs. Schumacher said in a harsh tone.

“Of course. You’re announcing that you are endorsing my campaign,” Trump said.

“No, Donald. You two are in big trouble for fighting.”

“He started it!” Rubio exclaimed, pointing at Trump.

“I did not!” Trump bellowed.

“Did too!”

“Quiet boys or there’ll be no recess!” Schumacher shouted, “Let’s get to the bottom of this, shall we?”

“Donald said I was sweating and using a towel to put on make up,” Rubio said.

“Is that true, Donald?” Schumacher asked.

“No, I said trowel, and I only said it because he called me orange.”

“Marco,” Schumacher scolded, “We never, ever comment on student’s skin color.”

“But he keeps calling me ‘little’,” Rubio whined.

“You are little, and you’re a baby too, nothing like the mobsters I deal with in business, and I’ve built a great business,” Trump countered.

“You can’t say that about fellow students, Donald, it’s discriminatory.”

Trump pointed at Rubio and shouted: “Then tell him to stop criticizing my hands!”

“What about his hands, Marco?” Schumacher asked.

“They’re little.”

Mrs. Schumacher looked at Trump’s outstretched hand and said, “They are a bit small, Donald. Is it true what they say about men with small hands?”

“Are you kidding? I have a great body that does great things, better than anything little Marco or Obama can do. Ask any of my wives. And my body will continue to do great things in the White House. Just watch.”

“That’s not fair!” Rubio barked. “Just because he says it doesn’t make it true. Why does everyone believe him? He’s got small hands. Let him show you his—“

“Not in front of me, boys!” Schumacher shouted. “Now get out of here and start acting like 11 year old boys should.”