Source:  Warda Network


Satirical Press International: Kate Kelley opens The American Selfie on Monday morning from SNN Studios in New York City.

Kelley: “Good morning to The American Selfie, the show where Americans take a close look in the mirror. Today, we are reporting on a story from Austria, where a young man has been arrested for dressing as a shark to promote a store called McShark. If you are having your first coffee of the day and scratching your head about this, you are not alone. Austria has enacted a new law that bans the wearing of the Muslim woman’s garb called a burka that virtually covers a woman’s entire head and body. This law extends to wearing masks in public, to the great surprise of our young shark. For an American reaction to the Austrian Shark Attack, we go Mia Cooney and Faye Watson on the streets of Manhattan.”

Kelley: “Mia, what do you have?”

Cooney: “Good morning, Kate (camera shows Cooney with two young adults). I’m here outside Rockefeller Center with a young couple from Venice Beach, California (the young man is wearing a hoodie with a cannabis leaf on the front, along with a backward baseball cap, and the young woman with a blue streak in her hair and several piercings). To the young man: what’s your name, and what brings you to New York?”

Young man: “My name is Jake, and I’m, like, here to check out the city, bro. It’s so dope, Mia.”

Cooney: “Glad you are enjoying it, Jake. What do you think about the recent shark arrest in Austria?”

Jake: “I know they, like, have this big problem off the Great Barrier Reef, and because the surfing is, like, so rad, they have to start arresting sharks.”

Cooney: “Jake, it was Austria, in Europe.”

Jake: “Oh, like, I never knew they had surfing issues in Austria. Isn’t that, like, The Sound of Music place, with that dude who married his, like, nanny?”

Cooney: “It is.”

Jake: “Totally dope, bro.”

Cooney: (turning to Jake’s girlfriend) “What’s your name, and what do you think about the shark arrest in Austria?”

Young woman: “My name is Jenny, and I think it’s terrible.”

Cooney: “Because the law appears to discriminate against a religion?”

Jenny: “What? No, sharks are, like, already being picked on by the Chinese. Do you know they cut off their fins for soup and throw them back to die?”

Cooney: “It’s a shame, but that’s not what this—-”

Jake: “If they don’t have surfing issues, I’m, like, freaked out about arresting sharks.”

Cooney: “Well, Kate, that’s one perspective from young Americans. Back to you.”

Kelley: “Thanks, Mia. Let’s go to Faye at the Statue of Liberty.”

Watson: “Good morning, Kate. I’m here with the Lee family from central Tennessee (camera shows a middle aged couple with two kids dressed in Tennessee orange). Good morning, Mr. Lee. How are you enjoying New York?”

Mr. Lee: (speaking with a drawl). “Good morning, America!”

Lee Family: “Good morning, America!”

Watson: “That’s the show on the other network.”

Mr. Lee: “Oops, sorry y’all.

Watson: “Mr. Lee, what do you all think about the unusual shark arrest in Austria?”

Mr. Lee: “I’m not opposed to the burka ban, Faye.”

Mrs. Lee: “Those things are ugly, Faye, all black and covering everything, including hair.”

Mr. Lee: “But the law is a good idea to prevent terrorism and preserve American values.”

Watson: “In Austria?”

Mr. Lee: “You know what I mean. But even though the burka ban is good, I worry about arresting sharks.”

Watson: “Why is that, Mr. Lee?”

Mr. Lee: “It sets a dangerous predicament.”

Watson: “You mean precedent?”

Mr. Lee: “Like I said.”

Watson: “How so?”

Mr. Lee: “Are they going to arrest Ronald McDonald, and what about Goofy and Mickey Mouse at Disney?”

Watson: “You have a point.”

Mr. Lee: “Damn tootin’. Not to mention mascots at football games.”

Watson: “There you have some views from America, Kate. Back to you.”