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Satirical Press International: For anyone following international curling the past several years, this week’s finding of illegal doping by an Olympic curler was long overdue. “You had to have your head under ice not to notice obvious signs of doping in competitive curling,” bemoaned a fan at this year’s Olympic Games in South Korea. “I mean, so many of those curlers are ripped–the way they sweep–no one could do that without medicinal help.”

Earlier this week, Russian curler Alexander Krushelnitckii, who won a bronze medal at the Pyeongchang Olympics, tested positive for a performance-enhancing drug at the Games. “This isn’t a Russian problem,” claimed the Ugandan curling coach, “but a plague infecting all international curling. It’s unfair to the men and women of our team who tirelessly sweep all day.”

Camion Del Rio, coach of the Costa Rican team, joined the fray: “Did you see the forty-five year old Canadian woman on their curling team? You don’t look like that by pushing a broom all day.” Del Rio added, “And the men’s team wear sleeveless vests and shirts to show their buffness. You have to have some big stones to do that.”

The Russian team is denying all involvement in doping, calling it ‘fake news,’ despite several findings by Olympic officials of systematic Russian doping over the years in many sports. “We are a nation that plays by the rules however we interact with the world,” said a Kremlin spokesman, “no matter what Robert Mueller says.”