In a stunning announcement today at a White House news conference, President Obama withdrew his nomination of Merrick Garland for Supreme Court Justice. Mr. Obama said, “Though Mr. Garland is the Chief Justice of the most important Federal Appeals Court, former prosecutor of the Oklahoma City bomber and the Unabomber, valedictorian of his Harvard college class and distinguished graduate of the Harvard Law School, we have found, upon further review, that he is not qualified to serve on the Supreme Court.”

CNN’s Wolf Blitzer asked the President: “Mr. President, why did you withdraw your nomination of Mr. Garland less than a week after you made it? Did you find someone better? Did some compromising picture appear of Mr. Garland with another woman? Will you let the people decide?”

“Thanks, Wolf, for your—um—question. It became clear to me that Mr. Garland was not suitable for the position when he cried during the announcement.”

Blitzer: “How important was the crying? Did your vetting of Mr. Garland fail to reveal crying? Are you bowing to political pressure from Senate Republicans?”

President Obama: “Wolf, we’re thinking about limiting reporters to one question per question, but anyway, Americans want strength in office. There’s no crying in baseball or the Supreme Court.”

Blitzer: “Do you have someone else in mind to nominate? Will he or she be more palatable to the Republicans? Is crying now an important disqualifier?”

President Obama: “In fact, yes. Today, I’m pleasured to announce my nomination for the next associate justice of the Supreme Court, Rush Limbaugh.”

Later that day, Fox News’ Megyn Kelly interviewed Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell about the Limbaugh nomination.

Kelly: “Senator McConnell, you have repeatedly said that the Senate will not even consider an Obama nomination, that it’s up to the people to decide in the next election. Does the nomination of Rush Limbaugh change your position?”

McConnell: “Leave it to President Obama to try to pull a fast one on the American people and try to embarrass the Senate. This is just politics as usual in Washington. Once we state we will not act, he nominates the perfect candidate for the Court. No wonder no one will have a drink with him.”

Kelly: “So you’re in favor of Mr. Limbaugh?”

McConnell: “Absolutely. The people have spoken and pressured Mr. Obama to pull his unqualified candidate and nominate someone the people support.”

Kelly: “Do you know that Mr. Limbaugh never went to law school?”

McConnell: “The Constitution does not require our Supreme Court justices to be lawyers. Law school is overrated, just a prop for the East Coast so-called intellectual elite.”

Kelly: “In fact, Mr. Limbaugh never graduated from college and is an admitted drug addict. He’s also been married four times.”

McConnell: “Mr. Limbaugh is a beacon of American values. The people are tired of Ivy League snobs in Washington.”

Kelly: “So what’s the next step in the process?”

McConnell: “We hold hearings in the Judiciary Committee and then vote in the Senate.”

Kelly: “What about the senators who complained about being too busy for hearings?”

McConnell: “They will just have to suck it up and make sacrifices, just like I am.”

Kelly: “What sacrifices are you making?”

McConnell: “I have to cancel my participation in something I’ve been preparing for over many years—-next month’s Mr. Congeniality Contest in Atlantic City.”

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