Satirical Press International: In the New York studios of The Satirical News Network and the set of The American Selfie, the hit new information show for millennials, anchor Kate Kelley shuffles papers as cameras move into position. As the show’s producer counts down, a make-up artist performs a last second adjustment, and Kate looks directly ahead into the camera.

Kelley: “Good Friday morning to you from New York. We’d like to welcome our American viewers plus viewers from all across the globe who just want to know what the heck is going on here. I’m Kate Kelley, host of The American Selfie. We’ll hear from my colleagues, Mia Cooney and Faye Watson, on an important breaking story in a moment.”

Kelley (continues): “America and indeed the world continue their shocked mourning of the senseless carnage in Las Vegas Sunday night. The public has grown increasingly weary of mass gun violence in the United States, and there’s been an outpouring of rage and demand for sensible gun safety reform. As many of you know, the tragedy in Vegas was significantly worsened by the shooter’s use of ‘bump-stock’ attachments for semi-automatic rifles. These attachments, which are technically legal, effectively turn semi automatic rifles into automatic guns, firing several hundred rounds a minute. This allowed him to fire perhaps thousands of bullets into the crowd from his 32nd floor hotel room.”

Kelley (continues): “Americans looked to Congress and The President for leadership on the gun issue, but it came from a very unlikely source. For this breaking story, let’s go to Faye Watson at NRA headquarters in Arlington, Virginia. This is quite a development, Faye.”

Watson: “Some would say groundbreaking, Kate. I’m here with NRA Executive Vice President and spokesman, Wayne LaPierre, the morning after the NRA announced its support for regulation of bump stocks. Good morning, Mr. LaPierre.”

LaPierre: “Good morning, Faye.”

Watson: “Can you explain what’s behind the NRA’s very surprising decision?”

LaPierre: “First, our hearts and prayers go out to all the families impacted by the Las Vegas tragedy. Second, after considerable thought and debate, the NRA has decided to give permission to the government to regulate bump-stocks.”

Watson: “For decades, the NRA has been against any additional regulation. In fact, recently, you had proposed legalizing gun silencers. What’s different about bump-stocks?”

LaPierre: “We did analysis and realized that bump-stock regulation would not hurt firearm sales, so we figured it might good PR for us to give the government the green light.”

Watson: “Do you think bump-stock regulation might improve the safety of the American public as well?”

LaPierre: “That too. I forgot to mention that.”

Watson: “Thanks, Mr. LaPierre. Well, Kate, this is a shocking development. Back to you in New York.”

Kelley: “For reaction from the Senate, we now go to Mia Cooney in Washington with Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell.”

Cooney: “Good morning, Senator.”

McConnell: “Good morning, Mia.”

Cooney: “With the NRA giving the government the green light to regulate bump-stocks, will the Senate pass legislation to ban these dangerous devices?”

McConnell: “Let’s not rush into anything, Mia. First, we’d like to study things, see the NRA’s position in writing, study the fine print, if you will.”

Cooney: “If the NRA truly gives you permission, will you go forward?”

McConnell: “We’d need hearings for many months on this before I’d be comfortable doing anything that impacted Second Amendment rights.”

Cooney: “Do you think bump stocks are protected under the Second Amendment?”

McConnell: “Anything that curtails American’s right to bear arms should receive extra scrutiny. As to whether it infringes the Second, I leave that to a higher power.”

Cooney: “God?”

McConnell: “No, the NRA, which is why we have to study their permission paper carefully.”

Cooney: “Could this present a rare opportunity for bipartisan cooperation?”

McConnell: “Doubtful, Mia. The Democrats are likely to try to sneak something overreaching into a bill, like universal background checks or mental health records being checked before someone can buy semi-automatic weapons. We won’t stand for that kind of nonsense.”

Cooney: “Thank you, Senator. Kate, there you have it from our nation’s capitol.”


Background for Foreign Readers

As written after the Roy Moore article last week, the most befuddling part of the American Constitution and law is the Right to Bear Arms embodied in the Second Amendment:

“A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.”

No one really knows what this means. Is the right only to provide a militia to serve as quasi-military, like in the American Revolution? Is it a right to protect yourself and your home? Is it an absolute right to arm yourself?

Whatever the Second Amendment means, the United States has a major gun issue. If you are interested in reading about this issue in depth, complete with data, check the article in It is excellent and insightful.

America’s mass shootings are worsening, and our government is unwilling and/or unable to do anything about it. Furthermore, mass shootings are only the most visible tip of the proverbial iceberg. Tens of thousands Americans die every year by guns. Throughout its history, America has been a ‘can do’, optimistic society. We have tackled many major issues and prevailed. But our society won’t take on guns. It’s become a cultural issue, exacerbated significantly by vast lobbying funds used by the NRA and other organizations to fight any reform. This is despite the fact that the clear majority of Americans, including Republicans, favor sensible gun safety measures. As a patriotic American, I am tremendously saddened by this situation and horrified by our country’s lack of leadership in Washington.

Interestingly, our Supreme Court has ruled that although the government cannot ban ownership of traditional guns to protect the home (Second Amendment), they can require background checks, restrict more dangerous guns, limit ownership, etc. The courts aren’t the problem; it’s the legislatures.