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CNN’s Anderson Cooper opens his show, Anderson Cooper 360°, with big news:
Cooper: Good evening. I’m Anderson Cooper, and this is Anderson Cooper 360°.
(CNN Anderson Cooper 360° Producer thinks: We need a catchier opening.)
Cooper: Just days after the contentious presidential debate, Republican candidate Donald Trump has lashed out against Hillary Clinton in a series of late night Tweets. Tonight, we have an exclusive interview with the candidate. Good evening, Mr. Trump.
Trump (scowling at the camera): Good evening, Cooper.
Cooper: First, how did you feel after the first debate?
Trump: It was a great performance, believe me. Hillary Clinton showed she is more than just Crooked Hillary—she’s boring, trust me. Very boring. If not for my sniffles, I would have fallen asleep from boredom. All the talk about policies—yawn. Reminded me of some professors at Wharton, where I went, which is Ivy League, by the way, a great school, trust me.
Cooper: About the sniffles, what was going on?
Trump: I had a bad microphone—Lester Holt and the debate organizers, who are Democrats, set me up, trust me. It’s part of the liberal media bias.
Cooper: Lester Holt is a registered Republican.
Trump: Just because someone registers as a Republican, doesn’t mean they’re a Republican, trust me. He’s a Democrat, through and through.
Cooper: Because he’s an African-American?
Trump: And he’s in the liberal media. I can add 2 plus 2, believe me.
Cooper: Back to the sniffles. How do you feel?
Trump: Never better, Anderson, trust me. There’s never been a healthier candidate for president. You don’t see me with pneumonia and almost fainting, you’ll never see it. Never. Ask my doctor, he knows. I’m a model of health, believe me. Robust health. Secretary Clinton can’t walk 15 feet to her car, can’t even make it. It’s a total disaster.
Cooper: Are you having trouble sleeping these days?
Trump: Not at all, believe me. I’ve got great stamina and don’t need much sleep, not much at all. In fact, I sleep less than anyone who’s ever run for office, trust me. That’s why I’ll always be ready to take the call for America and respond with a Tweet.
Cooper: Recently, you Tweeted at 3 a.m. about Miss Universe 1996, Alicia Machado, saying she had weight issues.
Trump: Big ones, trust me. She won the title and immediately strapped on the feed bag. It was a disaster, total disaster, believe me.
Cooper: But according to your doctor, you weigh 240 pounds. Isn’t it hypocritical for you to criticize a woman’s weight?
Trump: I’m a guy, okay? Machado is a girl who was elected Miss Universe, not some slob like Rosie O’Donnell, who everyone in America hates, everyone, trust me. Women should be thin. All my wives have been fit, very fit.
Cooper: What were you doing awake at 3 a.m.?
Trump: I drink warm milk, okay? It calms me down, not that I need calming down—I have the best temperament for president in our history. No one has had such a winning temperament, believe me. No one. Those who say otherwise are losers, total losers! When I become president, they’ll experience my temperament first hand, trust me.
Cooper: You obviously hadn’t had your warm milk before Tweeting. On another topic, Mrs. Clinton accused you of stiffing middle class workers who labored for your companies in Atlantic City—
Trump: They did bad work.
Cooper: Specifically, Mrs. Clinton and others have mentioned the middle class man who built the separators in the bathroom stalls—that he didn’t get paid for the job he did.
Trump: He got paid what it was worth, which was zilch. His work was very poor, very low quality.
Cooper: You personally inspected his bathroom work?
Trump: I spend a lot of time in the bathrooms, Cooper, a lot of time. Didn’t you watch the debate?
Cooper: Of course, but what does that have to do with the bathroom?
Trump: I drink a lot of water, okay?
If you like this satire, you’ll love Buzz Kill, an irreverent, hysterical novel about political correctness in corporate America. Check out our reviews here.
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