The day after Hillary Clinton’s astounding victories in Super Tuesday III, CNN anchor Wolf Blitzer is in The Situation Room. The CNN music for Breaking News interrupts his interview of Bernie Sanders’ wife.

“Excuse me, Mrs. Sanders, but we are hearing some incredible breaking news about the Clinton campaign. For this incredible, potentially game-breaking news, let’s go to our political correspondent, Pamela Brown, at Chick Fil-A headquarters in Atlanta.”

(Pamela Brown nods seriously to the camera during the introduction with a large dairy cow standing next to her).

Brown: “Wolf, on the heels of Secretary Clinton’s convincing victories yesterday, there is a new dress scandal developing.”

Blitzer: “Can you share the details? What are you hearing? Does it have anything to do with Monica Lewinsky?”

Brown: “I’m here with Elsie, the famous Chick Fil-A spokescow who is known for her relentless campaign to reduce beef consumption. Today, she reported that her co-spokescow, Betsy, disappeared a week ago.”

Turning to Elsie, Ms. Brown says, “Elsie, can you tell us what happened?”

Elsie: “Last week, Betsy went on her usual Starbucks run and no one has seen her since.”

Blitzer interrupts: “Pamela, can you ask Elsie what Betsy had at Starbucks?”

Elsie: “I don’t see how that’s relevant, but she had a muffin and a soy Frappuccino®”

Blitzer: “Soy? Did you say soy? Isn’t soy an unusual choice, especially for a dairy cow?”

Elsie: “It’s, like, super creepy for us to have milk. It’d be like you drinking from a woman’s—you know.”

Blitzer continues: “Did Betsy have any enemies? Has she ever received any threats?”

Elsie: “Specifically, no, but she gives Ruth’s Cris Steak House® a wide berth.”

Blitzer: “Are you suggesting Ruth’s did her in?”

Elsie: “We suspected it until we saw Hillary Clinton’s leather dress last Friday night.”

Blitzer: “What about her dress? Was there something unusual about it? How is it linked to Betsy? Does former President Bill Clinton have anything to do with it?”

Elsie: “She wore a new black and white leather dress to a campaign rally (sniffle); it was definitely Betsy’s pattern. We’re waiting on DNA confirmation.”

Blitzer: “Why would Secretary Clinton do it? What’s her motivation?”

Elsie (sobbing): “Because she can. She hangs with all those fat cats on Wall Street and gives speeches to Goldman Sachs for a deuce and a quarter. Why settle for milk when you can have the whole cow?”

Blitzer to Brown: “Pamela, what are the ramifications of this for the Clinton campaign?”

Brown: “It’s a big slap in the face to Bernie Sanders and the Vermont Ben ‘n Jerry’s granola crowd, that’s for sure.”

Blitzer: “Are there any policy implications associated with Mrs. Clinton’s dress?”

Brown: “We’ve asked the Clinton campaign. They say this clearly shows there are no sacred cows—except the teachers’ unions and Wall Street.”

Blitzer: “From an historical perspective, if Secretary Clinton is elected, what does it mean? Is there any precedent?”

Brown: “She would be the first president to wear leather in office since Teddy Roosevelt and his chaps, though there are some rumors about the Kennedy years.”

 

 

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