Satirical Press International (SPI)
In the wake of Republican Presidential Candidate Donald Trump’s brief visit to Mexico, the country’s young president, Enrique Peña Nieto, holds a press conference for American journalists in Mexico City. Standing behind a podium surrounded by Mexican flags, President Peña Nieto addresses a group of journalists:
Peña Nieto: Good afternoon, amigos and amigas, and Bienvenidos a Mexico. We enjoy having our cousins from the North. Let’s take the first question. Mr. Blitzer from CNN, I’ll start with you because I watch The Situation Room on CNN International.
Wolf Blitzer: Thank you, Mr. President. Can you comment on your meeting yesterday with Donald Trump? Did you discuss the proposed wall between our countries? Will Mexico pay for the wall?
Peña Nieto: Which question would you like me to answer?
Blitzer: How did it go with Mr. Trump?
Peña Nieto: Overall, I must say it was cordial, but we had disagreements on some major issues.
George Stephanopoulos (ABC): Did you disagree about who would pay for the wall?
Peña Nieto: No, we did not even agree on who would build the wall.
George Stephanopoulos (ABC): Is Mexico offended by Mr. Trump’s idea to build a wall?
Peña Nieto: Not at all, señor. In fact, after careful thought, Mexico has decided that we want to build a wall on the U.S. border.
Bill O’Reilly (Fox): Mexico wants to build a wall? Is that to save face and not have to succumb to American pressure from Mr. Trump?
Peña Nieto: No, Señor O’Reilly. We watch CNN everyday—no offense—and worry much about the American election.
O’Reilly: Are you worried Hillary Clinton will win?
Peña Nieto: To be truthful, we worry if anyone wins. It’s like choosing between death by poison and getting shot.
Lester Holt (NBC): Which is worse?
Peña Nieto: Both are bad, Señor Holt. We expect millions of refugees after the election. Millions.
Holt: What kind of refugees?
Peña Nieto: If Trump wins, we will have millions of people coming to Mexico making us feel guilty about gluten in our tortillas. That would be intolerable! Though we welcome immigrants, we worry about losing our culture. But if Clinton wins, we have another big problem—how would we handle all the diehard Trump supporters? We don’t even have a single NASCAR track.
Holt: Are there other reasons why Mexico wants to build a wall?
Peña Nieto: Si, Señor Holt. If the U.S. builds a wall, we think it will not be tasteful. We prefer a nice adobe style structure, something to be proud about.
O’Reilly: What about the cost? Mr. Trump estimates the wall could cost $20 million.
Peña Nieto: You’re forgetting we have millions of inexpensive construction workers. Our costs will be far less, which is another reason we don’t want America to build it.
Holt: Aren’t you afraid Americans will just buy ladders and climb over the wall?
Peña Nieto: Uhm, we hadn’t thought of that. Let me get back to you on that one.
Stephanopoulos: Did you have any other impressions of Donald Trump?
Peña Nieto: Si, he has very small hands. I’ve had quesadillas a lot bigger.
If you like this satire, you’ll love Buzz Kill, an irreverent, hysterical novel about political correctness in corporate America. Check out our reviews here.
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