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Satirical Press International (SPI)

CNN’s beautiful morning anchor, Carol Costello, opens her show, Newsday, with a stunning announcement:

Costello: “Good morning, in Breaking News today, we have just learned that North Korea detonated a nuclear bomb overnight. Coincidentally, our new millennial correspondent, Emma Jennings, is in Pyongyang this week to interview North Korean President Kim Jong Un, which was recorded a few hours ago. Emma, good evening to you! How are things in North Korea?”

Jennings: “Carol, this place is, like, oh my God! My Instagram account has been blocked, and I’m like freaking out. And I’m dying for my daily soy latte ice coffee at Starbucks. There are like no Starbucks here.”

Costello: “We’ll have a Starbucks binge when you get back, Emma, but we sent you there as a young single American woman to get to know President Kim Jong Un, who has been touted as the world’s most eligible bachelor dictator. What have you learned?”

Jennings: “I’m down with that, Carol. We had a great chat this morning, but by the way.”

Costello: “Let’s play the interview now.”

Jennings (seated across from Kim Jong Un): “President Kim, thank you for giving me the honor of being the first American journalist to interview you.”

Kim: “It’s my pleasures, Miss Jenning.”

Jennings: “According to rumor, you are upset that American presidential candidate Donald Trump keeps praising Vladimir Putin of Russia but never mentions you. Some say you have ‘Putin Envy’. Is this true?”

Kim: “I am some very strong leader—they call me The Supreme Leader—but Mr. Trumps does not offer me respects.”

Jennings: “What do you plan to do about it?”

Kim: “For starters, I exploded some nuclear weapon last night. Big bang, earthquakes, the whole—how you say–nachos!”

Jennings: “You mean enchilada?”

Kim: “Yes, sorry, we have no Taco Bells in North Korea.”

Jennings: “Or Starbucks, President Kim. Let’s help the world get to know the real Supreme Leader. When you’re not plotting the death of millions from nuclear destruction, what do you enjoy doing?”

Kim: “I like to have my general executed. Just last months, I had one generals killed for falling asleeps in my meetings.”

Jennings: “It sounds like a Starbucks in Pyongyang would be really popular, at least with the generals. What about your social life? Do you have a girlfriend? Women around the world want to know.”

Kim: “I have met some nice girl on Matches.com.”

Jennings: “As a famous dictator, you certainly could date celebrities. Do you have any in mind?”

Kim: “To be some honest, I would very much like to marry Kim Kardashians. She is very beautiful.”

Jennings: “Do you know that if she married you, her name would be Kim Kim?”

Kim (laughing): “I would name some new bomb after her—the Kim Kim Bomb.”

Jennings: “That would be, like, super romantic.”

Kim: “Vladimir Putin can’t have a Kim Kim.”

Jennings: “No, I guess he couldn’t.”

Kim: “I am some very strong leader. Please tell your Mr. Trumps.”

Jennings: “I will.”

Kim: “If he mention me instead of Putin, I will send him some hat that say ‘Make North Korea Greats Again.’”

Jennings: “That’s a nice offer. Thanks for your time, President Kim.”

Kim: “My pleasures. Please let me know if there is anythings I can do for you.”

Jennings (pulling out a selfie stick): “Do you mind doing a selfie with me? Are you on Facebook?”

If you like this satire, you’ll love Buzz Kill, an irreverent, hysterical novel about political correctness in corporate America. Check out our reviews here.

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