(SPI)—Cambridge, Massachusetts. Amidst the media feeding frenzy over the emerging general election battle between Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton, a story has broken with stunning implications: a university within the Ivy League hired the first Republican professor in the elite conference’s storied history. The identities of the hiring institution and the new professor are being kept secret, however, to avoid campus upheaval and possible violence.
Mason T. Wallingford IV, spokesperson for the Ivy League, announced the hire in a surprise press conference in Cambridge over the weekend: “For years, our member institutions have sought greater diversity among their faculty and student bodies. We thought, what the heck?—let’s experiment with diversity of political views.”
Asked why the school and professor have not been identified, Mr. Wallingford said, “The faculty would not, I’m afraid, embrace this new direction. To be honest, we feared protests and threats to the new hire. We want to give this radical experiment a chance to succeed.”
“Won’t the truth eventually come out though?” inquired Jake Tapper of CNN, a Dartmouth graduate.
“Of course, that’s a risk we take, but we’re counseling the professor to avoid voicing his or her opinion on offensive topics,” responded Mr. Wallingford.
“Can you give examples?”
“The usual topics that are forbidden on campus: free trade, criticism of political correctness, the failure of Communism and Ronald Reagan.”
“Do you really think you can keep this under wraps?” asked Mr. Tapper, “one peep about improving secondary school performance via increased competition, and the jig would be up.”
“It’s a big risk, granted, but we have several wealthy alumni who demand it. They’re big donors, and we had to throw them a bone.”
“Aren’t there safer ways to introduce political diversity?” asked Lester Holt of NBC News.
“The League considered several alternatives, like seminars on free speech, safe zones for students offended by others’ opinions, and even commencement speakers like former New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg. But in the end, we decided to just rip the band aid off.”
Meanwhile, across the eight Ivy League campuses, speculation is growing as to the school in question.
“It must be Dartmouth,” speculated a Harvard sophomore from Manhattan. “It has the fraternity that inspired Animal House, and I hear their cafeteria serves meat and GMO foods.”
If you like this kind of satire, you’ll love Buzz Kill, William Goodspeed’s zany novel about political correctness in corporate America. Check out the reviews here!
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