Source: Will Bobbs Studios

Satirical Press International: Chemists at the University of Buffalo recently shocked Americans by announcing they had found a high concentration of antidepressants in Great Lakes fish brains. According to these scientists, antidepressant levels in these fish are twenty times higher than in the water itself. In addition, chemists have found large traces of beauty products.

The reason for the rise in antidepressant levels was a mystery that Satirical Press International set out to solve. In general, Americans are taking more antidepressants, especially during and after the presidential election of 2016, but there’s more than meets the eye, according to Doug Boersma of Muskegon, Michigan, an industrial city on the shores of Lake Michigan.

“Have you ever spent a winter is Muskegon?” Boorsma asked the SPI reporter, “If you did, you’d be popping antidepressants like Junior Mints at the movies.”

The impact of antidepressants on fish behavior concerns scientists and environmentalists. The reason, they claim, is that the fishes’ newfound happiness is making them susceptible to early death.

“The giant lake trout in Lake Michigan are so happy, they practically jump into my boat,” decried Steven Castle, an avid lake angler, “I used to post all these great pictures immediately after catching them, and my friends were impressed–got a ton of ‘Likes.’ Now I only get ‘Likes’ from my wife and daughters.”

One of Steven’s regular fishing companions, Will Bobbs, recounted an interesting anecdote about an outing in July 2017:

“Steve and I were trolling far offshore one early morning, and all of a sudden, there were dozens of trout at the surface circling the boat and seemingly watching us.”

“It was freaky,” added Steven. “One pushed its upper body straight out of the water, like dolphins do, apparently to show off.”

“But it had to go sideways instead of backwards on account of the orientation of its tail fin,” Will interjected.

“Yeah, then the weirdest thing happened,” Steve said, “A smaller trout came alongside the boat, turned on its side while swimming and was actually waving a fin at us. I’ve never seen such a happy fish.”

“Until the bald eagle grabbed it,” Will said.

Scientists worry that reckless fish behavior, due to undue happiness, could deplete stocks. They also warn anglers to avoid eating fish brains, though most consider such a warning unnecessary.

Author’s Note: The presence of antidepressants in Great Lakes fish brains is a true story reported by The Economist. Steve Castle (pictured above) and Will Bobbs are actually trout fishermen, known mostly for fabrications about the one that got away.