CNN’s Wolf Blitzer is in the Situation Room.

Blitzer: “We have some incredible news breaking from the Bernie Sanders campaign. As the battle for the New York Democratic Primary heats up, Bernie Sanders has issued a new policy paper. For this, we go to New York to talk to the Senator directly.”

Blitzer: “Good afternoon, Senator Sanders.”

Sanders: “Thanks for having me, Wolf.”

Blitzer: “Senator, what is the new domestic policy you are proposing? Does this have anything to do with Secretary Clinton’s claim that you are not qualified to be President? What is the mood like in the campaign? Are you optimistic about the New York Primary?”

Sanders: “Wolf, I’m having a little trouble with my ear piece. I lost you after the third question.”

Blitzer: “I lose track myself sometimes. Anyway, what’s the new policy?”

Sanders: “Like our elections, our economy is rigged. The billionaires are getting richer and everyone else is struggling. As you know, I’m backing a plan for free universal health care for all Americans as well as free college tuition for all. Today, I’m announcing a new plan to provide free beer to all adult Americans.”

Blitzer: “Free beer? This is an unprecedented move and an incredible extension of your domestic agenda, possibly the most significant of your campaign.”

Sanders: “The people have suffered long enough, Wolf.”

Blitzer: “Will it be domestic or foreign beer? How does this square with your trade policy? Will Corona and Corona Light be included under NAFTA?”

Sanders: “Our plan will call for only domestic beer. Only Secretary Clinton and her billionaire friends would support Heineken or Corona.”

Blitzer: “What about Americans who prefer wine? How will your policy handle them?”

Sanders (raising both hands): “Wine is the nectar of the damn billionaire class! It will not be covered under the policy.”

Blitzer: “Even Three Buck Chuck?”

Sanders: “Even the damn Three Buck Chuck!”

Blitzer: “What about Americans who don’t drink? What say you to them?”

Sanders: “Now would be a good time to start.”

Blitzer: “Senator Sanders, our federal budget deficit is greater than $400 billion per year, and we have nearly $19 trillion of debt, and that’s before free medical care and college tuition. How do you plan to pay for the beer?”

Sanders: “Three things. First, deficits don’t really matter, and we’ll significantly raise taxes on the billionaires and Secretary Clinton’s Wall Street cronies. Second, the federal government will use its bargaining power to negotiate favorable prices, and third, we will only offer Busch Light.”

Blitzer: “Skeptics will say your policy favors millennials and northern states—older voters prefer craft brews and southern NASCAR fans love Bud Light Lime. Is this just a stunt to shore up your base?”

Sanders: “Busch Light is our damn national beer, not for the billionaire class! —every college kid in America drinks it!”

Blitzer: “Thanks, Senator Sanders. Let’s go to Clinton headquarters for a response to the free beer policy.”

Like this blog? Check out William Goodspeed’s hysterical novel about political correctness in corporate America, Buzz Kill.