Satirical Press International: In the CNN Studios in Washington, Wolf Blitzer reports from The Situation Room:

Blitzer: “It’s 5 o’clock on the East Coast, 2 p.m. in Los Angeles and 5 a.m. in Hong Kong, and we open The Situation Room with Breaking News [dramatic music and flashing ‘Breaking News’ sign]. In the wake of the death of convicted serial killer and cult leader, Charles Manson, Republicans and Democrats in the Senate are digging in for a protracted fight over a proposed resolution condemning Mr. Manson. Pamela Brown has more from Capitol Hill. Pamela, what have you got? Is this a dispute over procedure or are there substantive issues? Might we see a Democratic filibuster over this?”

Brown [nodding head to camera while Blitzer fires off serial questions]: “All good questions, Wolf, all three of them. This is what we know at this hour. At approximately 3 p.m., Democratic Senator Barbara Boxer from California introduced a bill on the floor calling for the condemnation of killer Charles Manson, along with the so-called Helter Skelter race war he aimed to trigger, and a moment of silence for those murdered by his cult in 1969.”

Blitzer: “Sounds reasonable, Pamela, What are the Republican objections?”

Brown: “According to Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell, there are two primary objections: one, Republicans want a stronger statement that the death penalty should have been applied to Manson, which was the original ruling by the jury, and second, these murders could have been prevented if slain actress Sharon Tate and other victims had been armed with semi-automatic handguns.”

Blitzer: “What’s the Democratic response to these concerns?”

Brown: “For Democrats, the death penalty is a non-starter, and they wanted to add that nearly all mass murderers are men with women often the victims, which several Republicans view as a continued war on men.”

Blitzer: “Anything else?”

Brown: “There is, Wolf. Several Democratic Senators want language to the effect that the Manson murders could have been avoided with better health care and sensitivity training.”

Blitzer: “Is there any room for compromise here, Pamela? What does the White House think? And might moderate Republican Senator Susan Collins of Maine be the pivotal vote for this resolution?”

Brown: “All very astute questions again, Wolf. I spoke with Senator Collins a moment ago, and she said that though she is ‘concerned’ with the proposed Republican language. She could be a ‘yes’ if the language about arms did not include semi-automatic handguns, which she doesn’t see related to hunting in Maine.”

Blitzer: “And how about the White House? Do they have a position on this?”

Brown: “The White House is focused on Helter Skelter and the race war.”

Blitzer: “Hold on, Pamela. What about Helter Skelter and the race war?”

Brown: “The President just Tweeted: ‘Fake News liberal media is [sic] at it again, making everything about race. Despite what the liberal media has [sic] been saying, there were good people on both sides of Helter Skelter and the anticipated race war.'”

Blitzer: “Interesting new wrinkle, Pamela. Where does the Senate go from here? Is there an end in sight to this impasse?”

Brown: “The Democrats don’t have the goods to pass their resolution, but the Republicans don’t want to appear sympathetic to Charles Manson–it might hurt them in the 2018 elections. According to Leader McDonnell, they plan to slip their language into an addendum to the budget resolution, making it filibuster proof.”

Blitzer: “Thanks for the great reporting, Pamela. Stand by. After a short break, we will talk with Constitutional scholar Lawrence Tribe about the key legal question: should Charles Manson have been shipped to Guantanamo Bay?”

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