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Satirical Press International: At the CNN Situation Room in Washington, D.C., Wolf Blitzer opens a special Saturday production of The Situation Room (Breaking News banner appears and music blares):

Blitzer: “Good afternoon to CNN viewers here in America and around the world. Tonight we have breaking news from the U.S. Senate about the government shutdown. For more, let’s go to chief senior political correspondent Dana Bash on Capitol HIll. Dana, good evening. Can you tell us what’s happening there? Who is taking the blame for this shutdown, and are negotiations continuing? Has President Trump weighed in on the matter?”

Bash (writing on a notepad): “Good evening, Wolf, I lost you after the question about blame.”

Blitzer: “Are negotiations continuing, is President Trump involved, will our men and women in the military get paid, what do Democratic senators think about a compromise?”

Bash (writing frantically): “I may have to review tape to get all those questions, but I wanted to tell you about breaking developments in the Senate: Democrats and Republicans have reached a tentative agreement to fund the Federal government for one week.”

Blitzer: “This is very big. Does the funding expire next Friday night at midnight and did the agreement address a resolution of the so-called Dreamers?”

Bash: “My understanding is that the Dreamer issue is still on the table for this week, and Congress will work furiously next Friday to extend funding another week.”

Blitzer: “Another week, only a week? Are you saying that the U.S. Government will be living week to week?”

Bash: “Correctamundo, Wolf. According to a statement from Senator Chuck Schumer, the Democratic leader, ‘most Americans live week-to-week, so why shouldn’t the government?'”

Blitzer: “Hold on, Dana, I’ve just been told that CNN chief senior Congressional correspondent, Ana Cabrera, is in Chuck Schumer’s office with Republican leader Senator Mitch McConnell. What say you, Ana?”

Cabrera: “I’m here with Senators Schumer and McConnell, who have issued a joint announcement about weekly shutdown talks. Senator Schumer, what brought on this unusual agreement?”

Schumer: “After the vote failed last night, many senators stayed in the chamber to hash through possible compromises. Around midnight, Senator Susan Collins ordered pizzas, and a couple other senators got beer. We had an impromptu party until about 2 a.m.”

Cabrera: “And you reached a compromise on funding?”

McConnell (interrupting): “The Democrats were intransigent in their demands, but we ended up having a humdinger of a time.”

Schumer: “We decided to do it every Friday night…(laughing) it was a lot more fun than flying home on weekends. I called my wife and said we had to work extra late. I think she bought it, but let’s hope she didn’t hear Orin Hatch singing during the beer pong game.”

Cabrera: “Senators played beer pong?”

McConnell: “It was a ripping good time. Senator Angus King from Maine had the idea. He went to Dartmouth where it’s an intramural sport. He had balls and cups and everything in his desk.”

Cabrera: “Senator McConnell, did Republicans and Democrats have any lingering disagreements once the party began?”

McConnell: “Despite all the frivolity, we had some significant disputes.”

Cabrera: “Such as?”

McConnell: “The blue state Democrats, especially from the West Coast, wanted pizza with kale, organic goat cheese and pineapple. Un-American, if you ask me.”

Cabrera: “Senator Schumer, is that true?”

Schumer: “The Republicans all wanted extra large double meat lovers’ pizza with fried cheese sticks and dipping sauce. Barbara Boxer can’t even get her mouth open enough to bite into that.”

Cabrera: “How did you work it out?”

Schumer: “President Trump called and suggested we do half and half on each pizza. He said it was something he could get behind.”

Cabrera: “Did he?”

McConnell: “General Kelley tried to block the deal, but in the end, Trump supported the half-and-half approach, provided we also ordered copious McDonald’s fries and chocolate shakes.”

Cabrera: “It goes to show you that flesh is weak, Senators. Have fun next Friday.”

Author’s Note: This issue hits particularly close to home for me. My son-in-law is a Naval officer and will not get paid during any government shutdowns. Now he’ll be hitting me up for loans and free beer.

 

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