Satirical Press International (SPI) — In the wee hours this morning, the Chicago Cubs ended 108 years of futility with an extra-inning victory in Game 7 of the World Series. The victory sent shock waves throughout America and around the world.

In South Chicago, gunfire erupted soon after the final out. Police originally thought it was a long overdue celebration of a world championship, but later determined that it was a another outbreak of gang warfare.

A man in Kalamazoo, Michigan captured what so many Americans felt about this milestone: “This is maybe the greatest thing since the U.S. hockey team beat the Russians in 1980. Today, I learned the meaning of America.” When reminded by an SPI reporter that Cleveland was in the United States, the man said, “But it’s close to Canada, right?”

Back in Cleveland, fans lamented the Indians’ failure to hold a 3-1 lead with the last two games at home. “It’s the biggest Great Lakes disaster since the wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald,” decried one man. “Gordon Lightfoot will probably write a ballad about it.”

Overseas, the reaction to the Cub victory was instant. Kim Jong Ill of North Korea, a frustrated longtime Cubs fan, immediately ordered his military to set off ‘the mother of all fireworks displays, including a couple nukes.’ In Tehran, the Ayatollah appeared on national Iranian television to comment on the World Series. He captured Iranian sentiment very poignantly: “Holy Cow! Go Cubs and Death to America!”

During the post-game celebration with champagne and beer, the Cubs received a phone call from Russian President Vladimir Putin, who invited the entire team to a celebration at the Kremlin. “Now that’s strong leadership,” commented Donald Trump during an event in Jacksonville, Florida.

Back in the clubhouse, Game 7 starter and Ivy League graduate Kyle Hendricks summed up the celebration: “Everyone was yelling and screaming, drunk, drooling and covered with beer. It was a lot like Dartmouth on a Saturday night.”

As the dust settles, sports fans wonder what’s next. An NFL fan in Detroit said, “You know what this means? The Lions could make the Super Bowl in the next 10-20 years.”

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