Satirical Press International (SPI)

CNN’s beautiful morning anchor, Carol Costello, comes on the air after a reserve mortgage advertisement featuring Henry Winkler. Her microphone comes on prematurely….

Costello: “No, I don’t know how the hell reverse mortgages work either—-“

(After a brief pause) Costello: “Excuse me. As the American presidential campaign heats up, several thousand Americans are looking for love north of the border. A new web site, Maplematch.com, works to link Americans fleeing a Trump or Clinton presidency with willing Canadians. For further details, let’s go to Anderson Cooper outside Niagara Falls. Anderson, what are you seeing?”

AC: “Carol, business is booming here along the U.S.-Canadian border. Ever since Trump and Clinton became the presumptive nominees, thousands of Americans have joined Maplematch.com, looking for potential Canadian spouses to shortcut the immigration process.”

Costello: “Where are you seeing the biggest impact?”

AC: “Bars and restaurants, for sure, and interestingly, the hotel business has gotten brisk.”

Costello: “Have you seen it happen?”

AC: “Yes, I was at a Tim Horton’s and could see people wandering in and scanning the crowd. Usually, they shake hands and sit down with someone, but a few times, I saw them turn briskly away and bolt for the door.”

Costello: “False advertising?”

AC: “Yeah, I think some are taking PhotoShop liberties with their Maplematch.com profile pictures.”

Costello: “Can you tell if more Americans are fleeing Trump or Clinton?”

AC: “Interesting question, Carol. For some insight, I’ve got Jacques Les Petitemains, the owner of a restaurant here. Mr. Les Petitemains, thank you for joining us. What type of American customer do you see most?”

Petitemains: “It depends on the American polls.”

AC: “What do you mean?”

Petitemains: “When Clinton leads in the polls, we notice many Trump supporters on dates at our restaurant, some from far away.”

AC: “How can you tell they are Trump supporters?”

Petitemains: “Many favor steak with expensive red wine, but a surprising number prefer Busch Light and some from the American South order something called sweet tea.”

AC: “Sweet tea?”

Petitemains: “Yeah, we had to look up the recipe on the internet and buy sacks of sugar to make it.”

AC: “What happens when Trump leads in the polls?”

Petitemains: “Everything changes. We have frequent requests for vegan dishes and many, many people asking for gluten-free meals. They also insist on free-range chicken.”

AC: “How about drinks? Do you see a change in ordering habits?”

Petitemains: “Yes, sir. Many order craft beers, and the hipsters like Pabst Blue Ribbon—you know, in the big cans?”

AC: “One of my faves.”

Petitemains: “And the Latinos look nervous and go for tequila.”

AC: “I can imagine. Anything else?”

Petitemains: “The Clinton supporters seem to really like my name.”

AC: “Petitemains? Why?”

Petitemains: “Because it means ‘small hands’ in French.”

If you like this kind of satire, you’ll love Buzz Kill, William Goodspeed’s zany novel about political correctness in corporate America. Check out the reviews here.

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