Satirical Press International

Wolf Blitzer: It’s 5 p.m. on the East Coast. I’m Wolf Blitzer in CNN’s Situation Room in Washington D.C. We’re covering Breaking News, possibly big enough to turn media attention from Donald Trump. According to reports from the Associated Press, The Clinton Foundation has decided to quit accepting money from foreign donors. Tonight, we’re going up close and personal with former President Bill Clinton, who chairs the Clinton Foundation. Good afternoon, Mr. President.

Clinton: Hey, Wolf, it’s good to be on the show.

Blitzer: Can you explain the decision to quit accepting foreign donations? Is it because it makes both Democrats and Republicans very uneasy? Or do you think this addresses concerns about your wife’s ethics?

Clinton: Wolf, just to be clear, we are still accepting foreign donations.

Blitzer: Really?

Clinton: Right up until the minute Hillary gets elected.

Blitzer: What message do you hope to send with this announcement?

Clinton (looking seriously into the camera): For our foreign donors, you only have a limited time to give. This offer closes in November, so get out your checkbook.

Blitzer: So up until the election, the Foundation can accept tens of millions, even hundreds of millions, from all kinds of foreign donors?

Clinton: With the clock ticking, we’re hoping for a surge in giving, Wolf. The likely prospect of Hillary becoming the most powerful person in the world also makes this a compelling offer.

Blitzer: So if, say, a Russian billionaire kleptocrat gave the Foundation $200 million, Secretary Clinton would forget about it if she was elected?

Clinton: Once Hillary takes office, she will delete everything.

Blitzer: How about you, Mr. President? Assuming you are not in the cabinet, would you continue to solicit donations?

Clinton: Absolutely not—I would focus on speaking fees.

Blitzer: Like the $17 million you received from Laureate University?

Clinton: You can’t blame me, Wolf, it’s the market price, and besides, I have a family to feed.

Blitzer: Does this hurt the Clinton credibility about fixing the economy and helping the middle class?

Clinton: Quite the opposite, Wolf.

Blitzer: How so?

Clinton: Cinderella story–if we can make hundreds of millions without producing anything, so can anybody in America.

If you like this satire, you’ll love Buzz Kill, an irreverent, hysterical novel about political correctness in corporate America. Check out our reviews here.