Satirical Press International: ⇐***Note***
CNN’s beautiful anchor, Carol Costello, wearing her trademark glasses, opens her show from CNN’s New York studios:
Costello: Newsroom starts now. Today, we will be covering the Breaking News that the Clinton Campaign is announcing hundreds of layoffs due to a steep drop-off in workload. We start with our own Jake Tapper, who is with Mrs. Clinton on Martha’s Vineyard.
Tapper (in an outdoor setting with a beach in the background across from Mrs. Clinton, who is hearing a hat, sunglasses and sipping an iced tea. She is intently reading something on her phone.): Thanks, Carol. I’m here with Secretary Clinton on Martha’s Vineyard. So, Madame Secretary, why with less than 90 days to go in the campaign, are you in Martha’s Vineyard?
Clinton (looks up from reading emails): I’m just—you know—taking it easy, Jake. It’s been a long haul, and I needed a vacation.
Tapper: But aren’t you worried about taking time off in the middle of a pivotal campaign?
Clinton: Not at all. I planned on putting pedal to the metal the whole time, but Mr. Trump has dramatically reduced my need to campaign.
Tapper: How so?
Clinton: First came the fight with the Gold Star Khan family, followed by the Second Amendment implied call to arms, then he called your network ‘Crooked CNN’ and today, he said Pennsylvania was rigged and people need to become electoral vigilantes.
Tapper: So, he’s doing all the heavy lifting for you?
Clinton (sipping her tea): Exactamundo.
Tapper: Do you see any downside to this?
Clinton: Unfortunately, we have to lay off about half our staff—there’s just no need for campaign help anymore. It’s a shame, of course, but it’s the only responsible thing to do.
Tapper: There you have it from Mrs. Clinton. Back to you in New York, Carol.
Costello: It sure looks nice there, Jake. Thanks for your report. For a reaction, we have our Political Correspondent, Dana Bash, with Donald Trump in Youngstown, Ohio.
Bash: Mr. Trump, you just heard Secretary Clinton’s words, how do you respond?
Trump: She’s a job killer. Our economy is stagnant, and she is destroying jobs. Half her campaign staff, folks. It won’t happen under my watch, believe me, people will get new jobs, good jobs all over, trust me. In fact, my candidacy has already created thousands of good jobs, really good jobs across America.
Bash: Can you give an example?
Trump: Television comedy writing jobs and blogger positions are literally going through the roof.
Bash (looking up): Through the roof?
Trump: Yeah, it’s incredible, all because of me. There’s this blogger, William Goodspeed, who’s hiring writers right and left. Most are happy for jobs because journalism is falling apart, folks, especially The New York Times, which is incredibly biased against my campaign, trust me. Well, most of the hires are happy, except the interns.
Trump: Yea, he has two unpaid interns from Northwestern University’s journalism school—young ladies I think. They expected a fun summer of wining and dining and leisurely hours.
Bash: What happened?
Trump: I happened, that’s what, and now they’re working around the clock. They even called my campaign manager, pleading with him to make me stay on message.
Trump: Because every time I say something off the cuff—and I say great things off the cuff, by the way—they have to draft a new blog, which happens daily, trust me. I’ll keep them so busy, they’ll run back to Northwestern and transfer to nursing school, and not just because they’re women, believe me. I love women, and women love me. And Northwestern isn’t as good a school as Wharton, where I went. If I were running that blog, I’d stock it with Ivy Leaguers, winners, trust me. Not losers like Goodspeed, who can’t manage his way out of a bathroom, believe me.
Bash: Thank you for your insights, Mr. Trump. There you have it, Carol.
Costello (looking perplexed and trying not to laugh): Thanks, Dana. Even a wooden nickel has two sides, I guess.
If you like this satire, you’ll love Buzz Kill, an irreverent, hysterical novel about political correctness in corporate America. Check out our reviews here.
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