Satirical Press International (SPI): The beautiful, bespectacled Carol Costello opens her morning show from a studio within the Democratic National Convention with a stunning announcement:
Costello: Good morning. In breaking news, CNN has just learned that Democratic National Committee Chair has resigned her post as a result of Wikileaks exposing emails from the DNC showing the Committee favored Secretary Hillary Clinton over Senator Bernie Sanders well before the primaries settled the contest. For more on this, let’s go to CNN Political Correspondent Pam Brown on the convention floor.
Brown (nodding her head while holding a microphone): That’s right, Carol. Just moments ago, Congresswoman Wasserman Schultz resigned over what many in both parties call an “egregious violation of ethics.” The DNC, which is supposed to remain neutral over candidates, clearly showed bias toward Mrs. Clinton. Sanders supporters are furious and have taken their protests to the streets—their bushy beards, dirty blue jeans and tofu take-out causing concern in Philadelphia neighborhoods. One protestor was even assaulted by an older woman with bug spray.
Costello (holding her fingers to her right ear piece): Hold on a minute, Pam. We’ve just learned that Mrs. Clinton has offered a senior position in her campaign to Wasserman Schultz. For more on this, we go to Jake Tapper at Clinton headquarters, where he is joined by Mrs. Clinton herself.
Tapper: Thank you, Carol. I’m here with the presumptive Democratic nominee, Secretary Hillary Clinton. Mrs. Clinton, can you comment on the Wasserman Schultz hiring?
Clinton: Jake, America is a great country—we’re already great—and we need more talented women in senior offices. This is why I thought it critical to hire Debbie Wasserman Schultz.
Tapper: Hiring women is admirable, Mrs. Clinton, but recent polls suggest that the majority of Americans consider your moral integrity questionable, especially after FBI Director Comey’s highly critical comments about your emails. In light of this, why hire someone mired in an ethical scandal?
Clinton: Because she favored my campaign, and she’s a winner! I also love her curly hair, which I’m pretty sure is natural. Do you think she uses product?
Tapper: It’s a strong possibility, but don’t you worry this will create a more negative impression of your ethics?
Clinton: My husband took care of that. After he met privately with the Attorney General, Loretta Lynch, days before the FBI announced it would not indict me, my ethics ratings could only rise. It was a brilliant move, and between you and me, it looked like it worked.
Tapper: Do you find it ironic that Mrs. Wasserman Schultz got in hot water over emails, just like you?
Clinton: The Russians and other hackers always pick on great women leaders. It’s a badge of honor.
Tapper: Don’t you worry that the Russians might expose some emails from your private server to tilt the election in favor of Donald Trump?
Clinton: Not at all, Jake.
Tapper: Why are you so confident?
Clinton: I’m pretty sure I deleted all the bad ones, and just in case, I promised Putin the U.S. would not export natural gas to his markets if I’m elected.
Tapper: And that sealed the deal?
Clinton: Of course not. He also had to donate $2 million to the Clinton Foundation.
If you like this satire, you’ll love Buzz Kill, an irreverent, hysterical novel about political correctness in corporate America. Be sure to check the reviews here.
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