On the set for the game show, Jeopardy, contestants Donald Trump, Ted Cruz and John Kasich each stand behind a podium with their handwritten names in front. Enter Alex Trebek, longtime star of the show.

Trebek (looking at the camera): “Welcome tonight to a very special show featuring the three remaining Republican presidential candidates. Good evening gentlemen, and welcome. Let’s play Jeopardy. The categories for Jeopardy are:

Clinton Scandals…..

The Bill of Rights….



Convention Rules. 

Cruz smiles broadly: “Right in my wheelhouse, Alex.”

Trebek: “Mr. Trump, you have won the toss and will go first.”

Trump: “Bill of Rights for $600.”

Trebek: “Prevents police from breaking down your door.”

Cruz: “What are handguns and semi-automatic rifles?”

Trebek: “No, sorry. Anyone else? (buzzer sounds). What is the Fourth Amendment? Still your board, Mr. Trump.”

Trump: “Bill of Rights for $800.”

Trebek: “Taking the Fifth refers to this.”

Cruz: “What is a liquor store robbery?”

Trebek: “Sorry. (buzzer) What is right not to bear witness against oneself in the Fifth Amendment? Go again, Mr. Trump.”

Trump: “Waterboarding for $1,000.”

Trebek: “This vice president famously said it was not torture.”

Trump: “Dick Cheney.”

Trebek: “You must ask a question, Mr. Trump.”

Trump: “I don’t ask questions, Alex, I give answers, and I give good answers, believe me folks, really good answers, because I have a good brain, and if you want better deals for American—and we’ve had really bad deals, horrible deals, like giving Iran $150 billion—-I will make great deals, such good deals that America will get tired of——-“

Trebek: “Wow, this is a long answer; let’s take a commercial break for Aleve.”

(After the break) Trump continues: “and we’ll build a wall, folks, a big wall, believe me, and Mexico will be happy to pay for it, and we’ll be tough on China—though I love the Chinese, many of my business colleagues are Chinese; they’re a great people—I have many Muslim friends too, but until we figure this thing out, no Muslims will enter the U.S.—-“

Trebek: “Sorry, Mr. Trump. You’re now at minus $1,000, but it’s still your pick.”

Trump: “Mexicans for $800.”

Trebek: “And the answer is 122 million.”

Trump: “The number of American jobs lost to illegal immigrants.”

Trebek: “It needs to be in the form of a question. (buzzer). The question was: What is the population of Mexico?”

Trump: “Your facts are wrong. This game is rigged, like the Republican delegate system. If I have the most delegates—and I will, folks, the Republicans aren’t going to give me the nomination? This is a democracy, folks, believe me—-“

Trebek: “That’s the end of regular Jeopardy. Mr. Trump has minus $1,800, Senator Cruz has minus $1,400 and Governor Kasich has the lead with $0.”

Kasich (clicking on his buzzer with frustration): “I just can’t get my buzzer to work to get a word in.”


Like this blog? Check out William Goodspeed’s hysterical novel about political correctness in corporate America, Buzz Kill.