Canadians are no strangers to American politics, in large part because most live within an hour of the U.S. and get CNN. The American primary campaigns in both parties started benignly for Canadians; most viewed it as entertainment. “It was more interesting than watching the mayor of Toronto get busted for smoking crack,” chuckled one Canadian at a Toronto grocery store, “but then we started thinking, what if some of these American crazies won?”
As Donald Trump, Ted Cruz and Bernie Sanders rose improbably in the polls and won primaries, Canadians began worrying about a deluge of Americans crossing their border in 2017. “We watch CNN and see what they say,” bemoaned a mother of three from Windsor, “Americans are promising to flee to Canada in record numbers. I don’t think we could handle it.”
For this reason, newly elected Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau, a heartthrob for many Canadian women, announced a commission to study the possibility of erecting a wall on Canada’s border with the U.S. “The key to this whole idea,” explained Jay McKenzie, a spokesman for the Prime Minister, “is to build a wall high enough to keep out disgruntled Americans, but still allow Canadian geese to travel to America. We’d drown in goose shit if they’re trapped here.”
Wolf Blitzer, speaking from The Situation Room in CNN studios in Washington, asked Mr. McKenzie if they had enough information to design an effective wall. “Well, that’s the $8 billion question, isn’t it?”
“American or Canadian dollars?” asked the ever-inquisitive Mr. Blitzer.
“Whatever. It’s a big number, but the problem is though we know a lot of people will be coming, we don’t know who,” explained Mr. McKenzie.
“By name?” asked Mr. Blitzer.
“No, I mean the type of person. What if Bernie Sanders wins? All these top .01% Americans will be packing up their penthouse apartments on Fifth Avenue and heading north for lower taxes in Canada.”
“What difference would that make?” asked Blitzer.
“We can’t build a wall to keep out all the private jets,” snapped Mr. McKenzie. “Can you imagine? The tarmacs would be flooded with these planes, and French wine futures would skyrocket here. Heck, the run-of-the-mill Canadian millionaire won’t be able to afford nannies anymore. It would be chaos.”
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