Satirical Press International: Faye Watson opens the new hit show, The American Selfie, from SNN Studios in New York:

Watson: “Good morning and happy Friday, America! Kate is reporting on location, and we’ll hear from her in a moment about some breaking news from Charlotte, North Carolina. At the airport in Charlotte, a restaurant called Bad Daddy’s Burger has been called out for naming a breakfast dish “The Border Patrol Scramble.” For more on this, let’s go to Kate.

Kelley (with a microphone amongst crowds at Charlotte-Mecklenburg Airport): “Faye, I’m here at the Charlotte-Mecklenburg Airport, and it’s really busy, but whether people live here or are just passing through, everyone is buzzing about the ‘Border Patrol Scramble.'”

Watson: “What is it, Kate?”

Kelley: “It’s a breakfast dish made of scrambled eggs, red onions, jalapenos, jalapeno bacon and pepper jack cheese, and comes topped with salsa and sour cream.”

Watson: “Sounds totally yummy, Kate!”

Kelley: “Yeah, and it’s gluten free for people with gluten intolerance and the tens of millions of Americans who believe gluten is an evil concoction of the food industry.”

Watson: “Bitchin’! Can you get a ‘To Go’ box for me?”

Kelley: “Absolutamente, Faye, but anyway, the restaurant’s choice of name has stirred some controversy. I’m in Terminal B with a few customers. Let’s ask them (turning to a woman in her mid 20s). Good morning, what’s your name, and what do you think of The Border Patrol Scramble?”

Woman: “My name is Chelsea, and I think it’s terrible.”

Kelley: “Too many jalapenos?”

Chelsea: “No, I won’t eat it. The whole idea is offensive; it’s racist.”

Kelley: “Can you explain?”

Chelsea: “There are millions of illegal immigrants in the U.S. The name reminds them of them of this, which is like emotional assault.”

Kelley: “Some say the dish is a combination of Mexican and Texan, and the name is more appealing than say, ‘The Rio Grande’ or “A Chihuahua’s Breakfast’.”

Chelsea: “It’s insensitive, and the government should ban the restaurant from using the name.”

Kelley (turning to the camera): “That’s one view, Faye. For another, let’s go to Mia Cooney in Terminal D. Mia?”

Cooney: “Thanks, Kate. I’m here in Terminal D with Billy Ray Perkins from Mooresville, North Carolina. Good morning, Billy Ray. What do you think of ‘The Border Patrol Scramble’?”

Billy Ray: “Probably one of the best breakfasts I’ve had in years, Mia, even without biscuits and gravy, and they have free seconds on bacon.”

Cooney: “Sorry, I’m vegan.”

Billy Ray: “You’re the first one of ’em I ever met.”

Cooney: “It’s true, Billy Ray.”

Billy Ray: “So you can’t go to Outback Steakhouse?”

Cooney: “I can, but I only eat The Bloomin’ Onion.”

Billy Ray: “That’s a dad gum shame, Mia, a dad gum shame.”

Cooney: It’s okay, Billy Ray, I pour on the ketchup. But what do you think of the controversy over the name of The Border Patrol Scramble?”

Billy Ray: “This is America. Ain’t nothin’ wrong with it, nothin’ at all.”

Cooney: “Some say it is racist towards Latinos.”

Billy Ray: “That’s just plain ol’ poppycock, Mia, pardon my French. We gotta have a Border Patrol, at least until the Wall is built. The people who are offended just ought to take their en-chee-ladas and go back to Tijuana, that’s alls I have to say.”

Cooney: “Thanks, Billy Ray. Have a great day and a safe trip.”

Billy Ray: “My pleasure, Mia. Hey, I got a few minutes, would you like to grab an iced tea and a muffin?”

Cooney: “That’s a nice offer, but I have to finish the show. (turning to the camera) Well, Faye, that’s another view from Charlotte. Back to you.”

 

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