Trump Tower, New York City, April 1, 2016.
Two thin green figures stand behind a podium in the lobby of Trump Tower. They resemble ET with green skin, bulging eyes, long fingers and extended necks. The taller of the two has a silver earring, soul patch under his lower lip and a black Bernie Sanders tee shirt. Dozens of reporters hold microphones and recording devices. Cameras flash incessantly, and news crews start filming.
Two identical Donald Trumps stand next to the podium, one on each side of the aliens.
Alien 1 (the shorter one): “Good afternoon. Thank you for coming on such short notice. We are honored.”
Alien 2 (the taller one with soul patch): “Yeah, kudos, bro.”
Every reporter’s hand urgently went up.
Alien 1: “I’m sure you have many questions for Mr. Trump, but before we get to those, I’d like to read a prepared statement. (He puts on reading glasses and opens a folder and reads). Exactly one year ago, April 1, 2015, my friend here and I, who hail from a star cluster on the far side of the Milky Way in case you’re interested, decided to play a small April Fools’ prank on the United States.”
Alien 1 continuing: “We decided to abduct Donald Trump and replace him with a near exact double.”
Alien 2: “It, like, got out of hand, dudes.”
Alien 1: “As you can see, we replicated the hair perfectly.”
Alien 2: “But we shrunk his hands so we could, like, tell them apart.”
Alien 1: “We programmed the Trump replacement to run for president and say unbelievable things.”
Alien 2: “Like building a wall to keep out aliens, bro. That’s hilarious.”
Alien 1: “Due to a software programming glitch, the second Trump said increasingly disturbing things. It started to scare a lot of people, like Megyn Kelly of Fox News…“
Alien 2: “And Canadians, man.”
Alien 1: “Anyway, the prank went a little too far, so today, we are bringing back the real Donald Trump, as you can see. Well…that’s it for the prepared remarks, any questions?”
All hands went up and the reporters shouted.
New York Times reporter David Brooks: “Where did you learn to speak English?”
Alien 1: “University of Phoenix on line.”
Alien 2: “Snowboarding in Vail, dude.”
CNN’s Carole Costello: “What do you think about the movie, ET?”
Alien 2: “Totally rad, bro. I, like, cried at the end and tried to phone home.”
NBC’s Lester Holt: “Can you shed any light on the strange patterns and shapes that show up in wheat fields?”
Alien 2: “I got this one, bro. My friend here and I went to Cancun and discovered tequila a few years ago, man. We, like, don’t have that stuff at home. So we got lit one night and took the spaceship out to do donuts in wheat fields.”
MSNBC’s Joe Scarborough: “What’re your favorite things about America?”
Alien 2: “I’d have to say the rice bowls at Chipotle, dude.”
Alien 1: “Jennifer Aniston.”
NBC’s Matt Lauer: “Any plans while you’re in New York?”
Alien 2: “I’ve always wanted to see Cats, bro.”
Katie Couric: “What are you going to do with the Trump double?”
Alien 2: “Take him home and fix the glitch, man.”
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