At 8:40 a.m. on a beautiful spring Friday morning in New York, The Today Show set is buzzing with excitement. Following Al Roker’s weather forecast from outside Studio 3B, Matt Lauer introduces the next segment:

Lauer: “Today, we explore a rising health trend sweeping America: gluten-free dog treats. To report on the reaction to this groundbreaking health development, we have Savannah Guthrie outside Rockefeller Center. Savannah, what have you got for us today?”

(An outside shot shows the beautiful Guthrie standing outside next to two dogs and their owners with a huge Today Show crowd with signs cheering behind them.)

Guthrie: “Matt, Americans everywhere are looking for healthy alternatives. Well, a dog treat company, Tempt’n Tenders™, has introduced a new line of canine health food snacks that are gluten-free and have no artificial sweeteners.”

Lauer: “That’s interesting, Savannah. What do the dogs think?”

Guthrie: “I’m are here with a Chihuahua named Flora and her owner, Betty, from San Diego, and a Black Lab named Scat and his owner, Floyd, from Aiken, South Carolina. Let’s start with you, Betty. What do you think of this new gluten-free option?”

Betty: “It’s wonderful, Savannah—can I give a big shout out to my cousins in San Diego?”

Guthrie: “Go right ahead.”

Betty: “Hey, Barb, hey Mike. Go Chargers!”

Guthrie: “I’m sure they loved it. What about these treats?”

Betty: “It’s just so great that corporate America is no longer taking advantage of dogs with industrial food and the well-known toxin, gluten, and has produced something dogs would find in their natural state.”

Guthrie: “So the new Tempt’n Tenders™ are more what Flora would have eaten roaming the plains thousands of years ago?”

Betty: “Exactly.”

(Floyd interrupts) Floyd: “Except there ain’t no Chihuahuas in nature, Betty. I’m ‘fraid Flora woulda gotten eaten by a saber tooth cat, Brontosaurus Rex or some such.”

(Betty looks stunned, Guthrie tries not to laugh.)

Guthrie: “So, Floyd, I take it you and Scat are not fans of Tempt’n Tenders™?”

Floyd: “Scat likes ‘em just fine, but then again, he eats fresh cat (bleep) right out of the litter box, sprinkled with litter like sesame seeds. Hell, I’ve seen ‘im eat a carp that’d been dead for a week, bones ‘n all. Gluten sure ain’t gonna kill ‘em.”

(Camera inside Studio 3B shows Lauer and Willie Geist in tears laughing.)

Guthrie: “That’s an interesting point of view, Floyd. Betty, do you have any closing thoughts?”

Betty: “Well, Floyd here should treat his poor Scat more tenderly.”

Floyd: “Ain’t nothing wrong with my Scat, and there ain’t nothing tender ‘bout the mutt, Betty…Hey look, he’s makin’ a move on little ol’ Flora.”

If you like this kind of satire, you’ll love Buzz Kill, William Goodspeed’s zany novel about political correctness in corporate America. Check out the reviews here.

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